


An Admirable Mistake

by KaraStorm



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-06-04 03:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 37,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6639961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaraStorm/pseuds/KaraStorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk is having a bad week. A major misunderstanding can only make it worse. Drama and humor.</p><p>This story is not slash, but it skirts the boundaries of it. It is an exploration of the intersection between intimacy and friendship between two people who deeply care about each other and their larger duties.</p><p>[COMPLETE]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Small Victories in Small Skirmishes

Kirk's comm whistled to wake him for first shift on the Enterprise. He rose with less enthusiasm than usual. Starship captain was the greatest job in the galaxy but not today. Not this week.

Kirk took a deep breath and stepped into the eye of the doors and felt them swish open. He was going to win again today even if it killed him. Spock stood in the corridor, seemingly leaving his quarters at exactly the same time, again today. The Vulcan was usually up hours earlier and in the lab before reporting to the bridge.

They fell into step without a word. Kirk grabbed the turbolift handle with an intentionally light touch as an act of discipline. "Bridge."

Duty. That was all he could think about. That and the tiny bit of gratitude he experienced knowing that Spock saw fit to change his schedule to escort him at all times. Kirk was much stronger with him there. Strong enough to make it through the day.

The bridge held its breath in a collective silent stillness beyond the blip and musical whirling of equipment. Everyone sat at their stations half at attention.

"Admiral Diamond," Kirk said, greeting the gray haired man by the doors. That came out well, as if they were meeting at a country club somewhere, perhaps in a parallel universe, a universe where desk admirals didn't decide to ride along on starships for weeks at a time. A line admiral would be bad enough. This was a kind of bureaucratic hell where all meaningful action went to die.

Diamond wore his uniform like a business suit. And he stood with his hands behind his back, fingers forever fidgeting. Kirk had learned to ignore that rather than let it drive him to distraction. It had been his first major victory.

Kirk took the center chair and listened to status reports from each station. He could be in a simulator for all the emotion in the reports. It was more than Diamond's rank. It was like the crew instinctively didn't want to share the joy that was their job with the man, so they made it seem as joyless as possible. The next shore leave, should they survive that long, was going to be chaos.

Kirk hadn't meant to join in the joylessness, but to not do so would be to betray his crew. At least here on the bridge he wasn't subject to the review and second guessing he usually got in his quarters after shift. There shouldn't be much to review at all. They were on a milk run, taking equipment to Starbase 4. Fleet didn't want their precious admiral put in danger.

"Captain," Uhura said, "I'm receiving a distress call."

Kirk felt badly for how relieved this made him feel. He turned in his chair and waited for her to continue. Her gaze went far away as she listened to her earpiece.

"The U.S.S. Daedalus reports engine trouble. Expresses concern about sabotage. Requests assistance."

Spock stepped down into the command circle. "The Daedalus is currently assigned to take Federation delegates to the Orion Summit."

"Where is the Daedalus now?" Kirk asked.

Chekov looked into his scanning monitor and replied, "Just the solar axes side of the I89C system, Captain."

Uhura said, "The Lexington is closer, Captain, they are responding."

Kirk nodded, and prepared to sit back and return to blankly staring at the forward viewscreen. Spock stepped up to his station. Chekov swung his monitor away.

A voice halted everyone. "Bely that, Communications, I want to take that assignment."

"We're half a day farther away at current warp speed. Admiral." Kirk remembered to add the title, almost too late.

"The Enterprise is the flagship," Diamond said, "If Starfleet is going to escort delegates to such a powerfully symbolic event, it should have been in a Constitution class ship to begin with. By sending the Enterprise, we can remedy the initial mistake."

"By arriving half a day later, we look incompetent. Admiral," Kirk said.

"Both ships can respond, Kirk."

"Then we are not using Starfleet resources very wisely."

"The Enterprise should take the assignment," Diamond said. "Communications, put me through to Starfleet Command."

Kirk turned in his chair to face the screen in case his expression gave him away. He wasn't unhappy to be getting a change in assignment, but everything else about it grated his already raw nerves to a state of captive frenzy.

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

"I reserve my criticisms of your decisions for our private meetings, Kirk. If you hadn't noticed."

They were in Kirk's quarters. Diamond had brought his assistant along, a Lt. Farragut, a descendant of Admiral David Farragut who was the namesake of the U.S.S. Farragut. Kirk had dearly wanted to like her just on this count, but she was firmly the eyes and ears of Admiral Diamond, and possibly worse than him for rules and interfering.

"On my ship," Kirk paused for effect. "Input is welcome from everyone, no matter their rank. All decisions are subject to transparency. Why would people put their lives on the line for a commander if that weren't the case?"

"That's not how the command manual reads, Captain," Diamond said. His talking to a child tone made Kirk see an overlay on his vision the color of blood.

Somehow Kirk found the strength to not react. Spock would have been proud. Spock would have been here but he was helping the Daedalus diagnose their engine problems. He was being useful. Unlike Kirk, who had not been useful since the admiral had come aboard.

"That's how my command manual reads," Kirk said, so level he sounded like a recording of himself.

"That's one reason we'd like to replace commanders with computers. We have a project regarding that."

"I'm sure you do," Kirk said.

"Is that supposed to be funny, Kirk? I'm not laughing."

Kirk was starting to think that he was going to lose whether or not he maintained his composure. "No humor intended, Admiral. I am merely expressing my lack of surprise that you have such a project."

"Doctor Daystrum has promised us a prototype this budget year. Maybe we can bring it to the Enterprise for a test."

Kirk dearly wanted to say, if that's a threat, sir . . . but he simply nodded. "I look forward to it." But it came out bored. Kirk was done for the day.

"I know you don't take these attempts to improve command performance very seriously. Perhaps we'll try another time." The admiral nodded at his assistant that they should depart. "Farragut." She followed like a trained German Shepard. The realization of that resemblance made Kirk smile faintly.

They encountered Spock in the doorway.

"You'll excuse us, Commander." Diamond said in a tight voice as they passed.

When they were around the bend in the corridor, Spock turned his head slightly to one side and back. An faint head shake of disappointment, Kirk imagined.

"I tried," Kirk said. "I truly did." He switched his monitor off and sat back. "I'd give anything for a good battle with a handful of Klingon warships. Maybe I could send a tight beam transmission to Koloth and suggest he meet us along our route."

Sounding helpful, Spock said, "I do not think that is workable, Captain. We are quite a fair distance inside Federation space."

Kirk looked up to gauge Spock's seriousness, then laughed. "Thank you, Spock. Sit down. If you have some time."

Kirk could read in his expression that he did not have time, but he sat down anyway.

Kirk said, "I'd have a drink, but I need every ounce of my control right now."

"Understood, Captain."

Kirk laced his fingers and rested them in his lap. "You've been trying hard to keep me out of trouble. I've never spent so much time with you in one week on this entire mission."

"If you are tired of me, Captain . . ."

"I wouldn't have stolen you away from your duties and asked you to sit down if I was. But if you need to go, I can call Bones."

"I have noticed that his patience is considerably shorter than yours. And his acerbic commentary only inflames your own passions, Captain."

Kirk narrowed his eyes. "Is that why I haven't been seeing him around?"

Spock nodded.

"Did you order him to stay away from the admiral?"

"Affirmative."

Kirk frowned and leaned forward. "Spock, don't leave me in the dark about these things. I'm having enough trouble as it is." Kirk shook his head and thought back to McCoy's absence. "But it apparently took me six days to notice, right?"

Spock nodded.

"I didn't deserve to know in that case." He considered his first officer, wishing he could steal away his calm and wear it like a cloak, or a really heavy thick helmet. "Anything else you haven't told me that I might need to know?"

"The Daedalus is carrying a number of the Federation's official delegation, which includes my father."

"I'm glad to hear that, actually. He's good at diplomacy and I could use someone to help with the admiral. Is your mother with him?"

"She is visiting relatives on earth."

"I would have l liked to have seen her."

Spock nodded.

Kirk sighed and tried not to dwell on the annoyances clamoring to make him annoyed and angry again. "Fill me in. What is decided at the Orion Summit?"

"Nothing is scheduled to be decided. It is a forum for communication only."

"For colony worlds, mostly, correct? Who would sabotage the ship? Motive?"

"None that I know of. And I am not convinced that it was sabotaged. I have seen some of the sensor scans from the chief engineer."

"Get out of here, Spock. You are better put to use elsewhere."

Spock didn't move. "Are you certain, Jim?"

Kirk stared at him. Then chuckled. "What do you think I'm going to do? Pull a Macbeth on the Admiral if you aren't babysitting me?" He relented immediately. "I do appreciate your presence. You are an enormous help to my self control. But I can't in good conscious keep you tied up. Go on."

"Shall I return this evening?"

"Late game of chess? How about a round or two in the gym of that Vulcan martial arts we tried a few times? That would do me a world of good." Kirk glared at him. "If you have time, that is."

"I will make the time, Jim." At Kirk's expression of dismay, Spock said, "You are a high priority, Captain. Whether you wish to be or not."

"I suppose I am," Kirk said, equal parts grateful and annoyed.

Spock stood. "Not supposed in the least, sir. You are carrying the weight of the entire crew's expectations with regard to Admiral Diamond. That is significant. Not just in keeping him contented, but in keeping your crew together and out of trouble."

Kirk crooked his mouth into a smile. "You're learning, Spock. You might have to stop pretending you don't understand humans."

"Difficulties with authority and teamwork are universal, Captain."


	2. Vulcan Martial Arts as Analogy for Life

Kirk swung his arms to warm up his joints, enjoying the freedom of movement of the workout suit. He didn't usually think of his duty uniform as constricting, but lately everything felt constricting.

At zero zero ten hours the gym area was empty so they chose the larger general area for sparing, rather than a room. The mats weren't as thick, but the extra space was useful.

Spock emerged from the locker room and hung his robe on a hook.

"Do you remember how this proceeds, Captain?"

Kirk had taken up a roughly human wrestling position. He stood straight and brought his feet together. He wasn't supposed to give any indication of what his first move might be, just stand neutrally until he committed.

"You've only taught me five moves," Kirk said.

Spock stood with his feet together, on his toes. Kirk watched how lightly he bounced. In the lower gravity, he was going to move like lightning. "There are not many suitable for your body strength, Captain."

"Thanks." Kirk longed to drop back to a wrestling stance.

Spock moved without warning. Kirk did the only thing he could as he went down, which was to sweep awkwardly with his right leg at the back of Spock's right knee. The both fell hard, but Kirk twisted to land half on top. His gain was short lived, he was pinned, chest to the floor, knee against his thigh, hand up his back a scant five seconds of grappling later.

"Uncle," Kirk muttered.

Spock let him go. "The proper call is Sh'shunk."

Back in starting position, Spock said, "You need not hold back, Captain. I assume you will relieve more of your frustration if you engage in a higher level of violence."

Kirk was reminded that they had started these workouts after Spock's Pon Farr, to mentally get past the difficulties of that little matter of a fight to the death. Kirk stretched his neck and it cracked.

"Does it seem like I'm holding back?" Kirk asked.

Spock's brows rose. "If you are not, I apologize, Captain."

Kirk let the frustrated, hurt anger flow into his limbs and into his fingertips. He wasn't angry at Spock, but he could pretend to be. Spock waited for him to move first.

Kirk lasted thirty seconds because he ignored the five moves he knew and played dirty. Spock didn't complain as he let Kirk get up.

"Do I have a chance at all?" Kirk asked when they were again in position. Kirk tried for psychological distraction. "I don't understand how something involving so much contact could be popular with Vulcans."

"It is one of the less popular forms of physical training. And its history predates our becoming peaceful. It must include contact. In ancient times it was as much a battle of minds attacking each other as bodies."

So much for psychology, Kirk thought.

The door to the showers opened and two members of engineering quieted and slowed as they walked through the gym. When they stopped as if to watch the ship's two senior officers spar, Kirk said, "Something I can do for you gentlemen?"

The ensign grinned. "No sir." The other said, "Good even, sirs." And they were gone.

"My inferiority to you is a running joke," Kirk said.

Spock raised a brow, appeared superior, and said nothing.

Kirk was having none of it. He launched at Spock, feinted twice, and used a wrestling hold to pull Spock over hard enough that he could keep rolling and land with a knee in Spock's abdomen and one hand wrapped behind Spock's back, although that meant his own hand was trapped as well, holding his wrist. Spock shook off his attempt at a hold with his other hand and flipped Kirk almost effortlessly over to the side.

Kirk forgot to roll, or couldn't tuck his chin because of their close positions and his trapped arm. He landed flat on his back, smacking the thin mat.

Spock had him pinned an instant later, but relented when Kirk sucked air and failed to draw any breath. Kirk's anger at himself faded the fourth time he still couldn't get a breath and panic began to take over. Spock's arm slipped beneath his shoulders, tilting Kirk's head back, but this made it worse. Kirk tossed his head side to side to get him to stop.

Spock smoothly raised him to a sitting position and lifted each of his knees to a bent position as though he were a doll that weighed nothing. Kirk didn't care since it allowed him to suck in a small amount of air, finally.

"It is merely a temporary constricting spasm of the diaphragm muscle, Captain. It will pass."

After a few more shallow draws of air, Kirk gasped, "Thank you, Doctor McCoy."

"Would you like me to page sickbay?"

"Is that a threat? No. Don't bother sickbay." Kirk shifted as if to stand, then decided he needed a few more full breaths before he did so. He rested his arms on his knees and looked across the room. "I'm not convinced this activity is making me feel any better."

Spock shifted to sit beside Kirk's left foot, facing him in roughly the same posture. "I could attenuate my strength to a human norm if that would help."

It was Kirk's turn to raise a brow. "You'd do that?"

"If you wish."

"I think you spend too much time adapting to me." Kirk said this without thinking ahead.

In the indirect light of the gym, dimmed slightly for ship's night, Spock did not look alien. He looked like every other member of the crew.

Spock said, "I do not think that is true."

"No?"

"The word 'stubborn' has appeared in my personnel records and commander logs fourteen hundred sixty one times over the course of my career, not including Starfleet academy."

Kirk didn't know why he was continuing with his side of this conversation. "I didn't say you weren't stubborn, just that I was making you adapt too much."

"That is an interesting subtly to concepts I would have been inclined to conflate."

"I don't think they are the same thing at all."

"Spoken like someone whose record contains the word 'stubborn' eight hundred and four times."

Kirk laughed. "Did you count just now?"

"Yes."

Kirk stood up, stretched, and breathed deep, which made him cough. "I try to be adaptable, when called for. But stubborn when it matters."

Kirk held out a hand. Spock accepted it and straightened to standing with the ease of someone built for higher gravity.

"I outweigh you, don't I?" Kirk asked.

"By approximately three point four one kilograms."

"That's a huge advantage. Can you use only a human's strength and we'll go again? I want to see how I fare."

Spock nodded and took up his position and closed his eyes. Kirk waited, watching him. Spock opened his eyes and nodded. Kirk was in motion an instant later.

Kirk tried to use the last actual Vulcan martial arts move Spock had taught him, but Spock blocked him and, probably because of Kirk, they toppled to wrestling. Kirk hooked his elbow around Spock's shoulder and threw himself to the side to roll them both over. Without his superior strength, Spock's lithe body came over easily and he had to arrest the roll with a leg thrown wide. But Kirk had better position on him now, although far from pinned.

"This is unnerving," Spock said.

Kirk smiled and tried to change his grip again, but Spock wriggled free and Kirk was forced to jump to his feet to dodge an attack that surely would have had him down.

As they circled, Kirk tried to catch his breath. "This is still not fair. I tire, but you never will at this effort level."

"I cannot help that."

"Can we start again? I can try one of the other actual moves you showed me."

Spock stood straight. Kirk briefly considered launching against him, but decided that was cheating too much.

They started again.

Kirk used what he thought of as 'move two' where one planted one's foot between your opponent's two feet and used your hip and upper body to twist your opponent off balance. Spock's feet were tightly together, so Kirk planted his soft bootied foot on top of Spock's, which left him no way to recover except to pull Kirk down with him until his feet were free and keep rolling, tearing from Kirk's grasp and immediately twisting around and knocking the half-recovered Kirk back over and pinning him.

Kirk couldn't breath again for the knee and elbow pressed into his back.

"Uncle."

The pressure increased.

"Uh . . . Sh'shunk."

There was a definitive full second before Spock released him. An eternity in view of Vulcan reaction time.

Kirk stood and rubbed his neck.

Spock returned to starting position. "Again?"

"I'm not sure you're going to let me up next time," Kirk said.

"I'll let you up, Captain," Spock said.

Kirk stared at him.

"One more." Kirk took his position, a little farther back.

"I do believe you are holding back, Captain. You would have great difficulty actually harming me."

Kirk shook his head. And got a running start, and knowing Spock liked to dodge right, dodged the other way under the assumption that Spock knew that Kirk knew that he always dodged right. He guessed correctly and carried Spock to the wall behind him with an audible thud on the thin inner bulkhead.

Spock made the only logical move since a neck pinch was off limits, which was to pike his body and try to shove Kirk off with a knee. Kirk dropped and pushed Spock's bent knee straight up so that he rotated over Kirk's head. Kirk didn't want him to make a smooth landing. He hooked an elbow around Spock's leg and fell with him, landing half across his chest, grappling to get a hold of Spock's wrists.

"Sh'shunk," Spock said before Kirk could fully pin him. "That was a highly unexpected move, Captain."

Kirk rolled straight to his feet and offered a hand up.

Spock said, "A Vulcan sparring arena has no walls, only sheer drop-offs at the edges."

"You forgot to mention that." Kirk ducked to wipe his face on the edge of his shirt. His shirt came away wet.

Spock considered him. "Feeling better, Captain?"

Kirk grinned. "Yes, actually."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

At the beginning of the alpha shift, Admiral Diamond followed Kirk onto the bridge.

"Can't we go any faster, Kirk?"

"This isn't an emergency, Admiral." Kirk stepped down beside Chekov. "Navigator, what is our estimated travel time to rendezvous with the Daedalus?"

"Forty-six hours, eight minutes, Captain."

"And the Lexington is estimated to arrive when?"

"Thirty-four hours, twenty three minutes, sir."

Kirk took the center seat. "Even if we increase our speed by half a factor to warp six, we will not arrive before the Lexington." He glanced at the engineering station, but Mr. Scott was not at it. He could have used his support just then for the maximum safe cruising speed of the Enterprise. "If we are following the manual, Admiral, as you suggest we do more often, we should maintain warp 5.5, the speed at which we do not unnecessarily wear out or put the ship at risk."

Diamond stood at the engineering console, hands twitching behind his back.

Kirk had won that round, but facing the next pressed on his spirit.

Spock arrived on the bridge. The two of them had not met in the corridor this morning because Kirk had attempted to arrive on the bridge before the admiral. In vain.

Kirk managed a quirked half smile for his first officer, who nodded in return.

The bridge went quiet. Kirk wished McCoy was there for company. Even Rand had taken to leaving his reports in his quarters rather than bringing them to the bridge. His entire ship normal smooth flows were being disrupted.

Shift dragged on. Kirk had lunch brought to the bridge for himself in the hopes that he'd get a break then, since the Admiral preferred the mess. But it wasn't to be. The admiral decided to skip eating just to stay.

Kirk circled the stations as he drank his coffee, doling out morale boosts that didn't feel sincere and made his stomach even more acidic than the coffee. He resumed his seat, trying hard not to fantasize about practicing Vulcan martial arts on the Admiral.

Diamond said, "You have downtime, Kirk, especially at current cruising speed. Why aren't you running drills?"

Sulu and Chekov half turned at their stations to look back at Kirk.

"We ran two months worth of drills last week, Admiral. The crew deserves a rest."

"This isn't a rest, this is tedium."

Kirk sipped his coffee to stall speaking since he could feel he would say something he'd regret.

"I'm not sure how you would know that, Admiral."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you haven't been on a ship since you were an ensign. Are you certain you remember?"

Admiral Diamond's face reddened. He stepped down beside Kirk's chair. "I'm on a ship now, Kirk. I have eyes."

"I really think I am a better judge of the state of my crew, Admiral. It is my ship."

"You are currently outranked."

Kirk felt Spock stepping up behind him. His blue uniform shifted into the right hand corner of his eye.

Kirk couldn't find anything to say that wouldn't make things worse. For all he knew he might be running drills right now if Diamond weren't on the ship. His decision making had become skewed.

"Mr. Sulu, prepare a round of phaser drills at 1% power."

Chekov and Sulu glanced back again, faces questioning.

Diamond said, "Add in a loss of gravity to that simulation, Lieutenant."

In his calmest tone, Spock said, "That will put quite a bit of strain on the hull, Admiral, to disable the artificial gravity in only one section of the ship."

Diamond's lips puckered. "Cancel the failed gravity piece of the simulation, Lieutenant."

The admiral stepped up to the turbolift. "I'll go and observe the phaser crews directly myself."

Kirk nodded, face blank. As he turned his chair forward, he found Sulu's and Chekov's disappointed gazes fixed on him.

"Run the drills," Kirk said, hating himself for saying it. At least it made them turn to their stations.


	3. A Thousand Paper Cuts Treated by Alcohol

"Tell him he looks a bit peaked and send him down here. We'll accidentally put him in an induced coma. He won't remember a thing."

McCoy poured out a double shot for Kirk and pushed the tumbler across his desk.

The whiskey burned Kirk's eyes as the vapors wafted up from the glass. "I'm supposed to be there for them. Always." Kirk took a swig. "Klingons, Tholians, Admirals. I'm supposed to protect them by making the right decisions."

"Sometimes there is no right decision."

Kirk waved his glass at McCoy. "I didn't used to believe that. But I might be convinced in another day or two." He finished off the glass. The liquid outlined his throat with a spreading burn. "I might already believe it."

"The man's a menace," McCoy said. "Why does Starfleet keep something like that around?"

"He's probably really good at paperwork."

"I bet he loves paperwork," McCoy said, putting another splash into Kirk's glass.

Kirk pushed the glass away when it was pushed closer. A hopeless weariness had flowed into his limbs.

"Really, Jim, you've already endured more than can possibly be expected of you."

Kirk nodded and stared at the amber liquid. It was clinging to the inside of the glass. He wondered if it could switch the tide from depression to uncaring happiness..

"I'd rather be put under a Klingon mind-sifter than face another day on the bridge. My bridge." Kirk leaned forward. "It's my damn bridge. That man doesn't understand that. It doesn't matter if he outranks me. This ship isn't a padd stylus you can push around and hand over to someone else to push around. It knows its commander."

McCoy sat with his half-full tumbler under his nose, breathing in and out. "Did you tell him that?"

"As many ways as I could. He can't comprehend what I'm saying because he has no direct experience with it. He said I sounded like a spoiled child."

Kirk reached for his glass and swallowed what was in it. His throat had gone numb, but he could feel the wave of new alcohol seeping into his brain.

"Can you go over his head?" McCoy asked.

"I tried that. Two weeks into this torture. My input into the situation was not welcome. Unquote."

"I really think you are going to have to arrange an accident, Jim."

Kirk snorted from trying to hold in a laugh. "Your advice couldn't be more different from Spock's."

"Let me guess. His was 'more control.' Right?"

Kirk nodded. He lifted and stared into his empty glass. "But in fairness to our Vulcan friend, he has been trying hard to be flexible."

"That I'd like to see."

"You can't. If you were there, he wouldn't be."

"Just my luck."

Kirk stood up, but didn't have a desire to leave. His ship wasn't a safe haven. That had been stolen from him.

"Since I'm already without joy, I should go read reports. Maybe somewhere he wouldn't ever look for me. Maybe in the computer core."

McCoy gave him a sympathetic smile. "You going to make it, Jim?"

Kirk put his glass down and gave it a shove across the desk. It slid off the far side, but McCoy caught it.

"I honestly don't know. I honestly don't." He shook his head. "I let my crew down today." Stating this brought a wave of bleak emotion up from his gut and into his frontal lobe where it settled in with the whiskey.

"They'll forgive you."

"Spock won't if I lose control around the admiral."

McCoy grinned. "That's only because he doesn't want command."

"I have the best crew in Starfleet. They'd do anything for me. But they can't help with this. I have to do it, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail."

McCoy stood up. "What the hell kind of talk is that, Jim? This is just a superior officer, not intergalactic war."

Kirk leaned on his hands over the desk. "He's taken me prisoner on my own ship. Hung me out there to show I can't stand up to him forever."

"Jim. Get some dinner and go to bed. Better yet. I'll get some dinner with you, and put you to bed."

"I have paperwork. In the computer core."

McCoy came around the desk and took Kirk by the elbow. "You can hide wherever you want after we have some dinner."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

Kirk woke groggily, but at least he woke up. Around oh four hundred he had doubted that he'd sleep at all. It was still early. He'd failed the day before to beat Diamond to the bridge, and between that and a desire to not have to bear Spock's scrutiny immediately after his evening with Bones, Kirk leapt from the bed and got ready for shift.

The corridors were still dimmed for night, which made Kirk yawn. He veered a bit as he walked and stopped to rub his eyes. He imagined how he would look to himself as an ensign: tired, slightly hung over, stressed by petty things. He'd be worried if he were that ensign. This man was not a deserving leader, was captain only in name.

Kirk slapped his face. One side than the other. The lights began to rise. He'd better pull himself together and at least pretend to be in charge.

Kirk relieved the third shift conn, who was too tired herself to notice Kirk's state, and settled into his chair. When Spock came on shift, he nodded at Kirk, then diverted down into the command circle. He rested his hands on the chair arm and gazed at Kirk. Kirk could see him formulating things to say and then discarding them as perhaps giving too much away to the rest of the regular bridge crew, who were now coming on duty.

Kirk left him hanging there, finding much needed amusement in his struggle, before saying, "I'm all right, Spock. Late night of paperwork."

At Spock's doubtful expression, Kirk chuckled. "Once I got started I wanted to get caught up." This came out well because it was true. It just wasn't the reason he hadn't slept. Sulu turned and smiled at this, so it must have been convincing.

The bridge doors swished open. Spock was holding the chair arm, so Kirk couldn't turn it. He watched Diamond enter out of the corner of his eye.

"Captain."

"Admiral."

Spock pushed away from the command chair and retreated to his station.

They had an hour's parole before the warden started in on them.

"Drills didn't go very well yesterday, Captain." Diamond had a padd in hand. He held it out.

Kirk waved it off. "I'm aware. Down almost 5% efficiency from last run." In front of him, Chekov and Sulu bowed their heads just slightly. "But it's not the crew's fault. They performed exemplary last week. You can't continually demand things of them for no reason."

"They should assume that there is a reason if they are ordered to do so."

Kirk rubbed his eyes, which felt swollen. "I don't even know where to start," he said from under his hand.

"You are coddling them, Kirk, that's why they slack off when they can."

Kirk nearly toppled. This wasn't an insult just to him; that he could handle. Sulu glanced over his shoulder. Behind him, Kirk could almost feel Spock urging him to maintain control of himself.

Kirk had to use a mental exercise he'd learned from interrogation resistance training, which was to pretend he was answering a different question. He calmly said, "I strongly disagree."

He had to move. He stood and faced Diamond. But there were no words that would solve this. He'd already tried them all. Spock had walked to communications, probably to be fully in Kirk's field of view. This annoyed Kirk additionally.

"I think we've lost track of what we are trying to accomplish." Kirk's voice was low and slow and slightly menacing. Uhura pulled the receiver out of her ear.

Diamond crisply said, "I know exactly what I'm trying to accomplish, Kirk."

"Well, I haven't the slightest idea. Maybe you can fill me in."

"You really want me to repeat myself, Captain? Here?" He indicated the bridge with a wave.

"It doesn't matter where." Kirk could feel barriers falling in a cascade in his mind, and a recklessness galloping to the fore. He felt much better.

Diamond took on a corrective tone. "Don't you want this ship to be safe in a crisis? It won't if the crew can't perform."

Kirk's hand jerked. He wanted to point at Diamond and shout at him, but had just enough control left to suppress it. A helpless rage had found his voice, but it was still level. The combination sounded odd to his own ears. "It won't if this crew loses faith in itself and its commanders. You have manuals that cover this; I know you do."

"I'm not particularly hard nosed, Kirk, but you are far too soft."

"Discipline is more nuanced than you seem to realize. In practice," Kirk said. "I drive this crew beyond their capabilities far too often. When we must. But I don't ever do it without reason. If I do, I deserve to lose their faith. I don't understand what's unclear about that."

Uhura relaxed and so did Kirk.

Diamond looked down at the padd. "I want to run the torpedo crews today. Make up for the slow phasers."

Anger had full hold of Kirk. He felt hot in his uniform.

"You are in charge," Kirk said. He didn't look at anyone as he retook his seat.


	4. Few Things Can't be Solved by Neck Pinch

The quiet bridge grated on Kirk's nerves. Diamond and his assistant had gone down to the torpedo bay to do time-motion studies. Kirk let him, thinking he'd be relieved to have him gone, but the bridge hadn't recovered, so neither had he.

Spock came down to the command chair and put a hand on the arm. Kirk shot him a warning look. He was tired of him too.

"If I may call my replacement to the bridge, Captain. There is research in the arboretum I would prefer to conduct myself rather than delegate."

Kirk nodded and minutes later, Spock was gone. Kirk wondered if that had been code for meet me there. It was Kirk's favorite place on the ship, and Spock knew that.

Kirk stubbornly remained where he was, until he could hear the torpedo crews running drills again and again over Uhura's monitor. Guilt weaseled into his stubbornness, dissolving it.

He sat forward on the edge of his chair. "Mr. Sulu, call your replacement to the bridge."

"Yes, sir."

When Lieutenant Darnell arrived, Sulu stood up and waited to be handed the conn.

"Sir?" Sulu said as Kirk mounted the steps to the lift.

Kirk turned.

"That was a good speech, sir."

"Only a speech, though, Lieutenant."

Sulu stood by the center seat, waiting until he was certain the lift was gone.

"I want everyone to listen up," Sulu said. "The captain is carrying too much of the load. We have to do a better job of taking our share." He looked around. "Does anyone disagree?"

"Vee all agree," Chekov said. "Right?"

There were nods all around.

"The captain's words about losing site of a purpose made me realize that we as a crew have lost sight of ourselves. We're all sitting around waiting for something to be done for us. We're all perfectly capable of functioning with a difficult admiral looking over our shoulder. We shouldn't need the captain to protect us from that. We are all perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves."

There were nods, bowed heads.

"Thanks for listening. I'd love to put that on intercom, but obviously can't. Please spread the word."

Down in the torpedo bay, Kirk remained in the doorway, observing. The three person torpedo crew was too busy to notice him. And if Diamond noticed him, he didn't give any indication of it.

Ensign Huranga looked up and saw him. Kirk gave him a supportive nod. Huranga appeared to sigh, gave an expression of exasperation, and went on with loading a different dummy charge for the third time while Farragut timed him. Diamond looked at his watch in parallel as if measuring his own waste of time.

That reckless feeling flowed into Kirk again; it felt like a double shot of whiskey. He stepped back and around to the lift. His reaction to helplessness was to fight. But he had only himself to fight with. He kept walking and without a firm plan climbed up the access ladder to the next deck. Moving helped a lot. He greeted some off duty crewmembers, whose smiles seemed to fade as they approached and passed. Kirk walked all the way around that deck and jumped into the diagonal access tube that led all the way down to engineering. As an ensign, they had perfected sliding these, boots on the rails, hands braking. And he did this for a few decks, before his boots got too warm.

Down, down he went. The ship was larger than expected traversed this way.

The scent of the arboretum filled the corridor outside of it. Kirk felt renewed just breathing it in. The doors opened to a portable lab station where a tech was taking samples of blossom parts while looking at a sped up recording of the blossom opening and closing. Kirk recognized the tech but couldn't remember his name.

"Crewman," Kirk said. "Is Mr. Spock here?"

"Captain, sir. Yes, he is." The crewman had an oddly varying voice like a boy in puberty and Kirk remembered his name.

"Mr. Spock is placing tags, sir, on the port side."

"Thank you, Taulie."

The man bent back over his sample with tongue sticking out, long atomic tweezers held steady.

Kirk walked farther into the greenery. He found Spock off the main path in the densest area, placing a line of sensors on a leaf.

"Captain."

Kirk almost apologized for that warning look he'd shot Spock's way on the bridge. Maybe he was too soft. He said nothing. Normally he would have crouched down and asked Spock what he was doing, but he couldn't make himself care, even as a distraction. For the second time that day, he looked at himself with fresh eyes and didn't like what he saw, but he couldn't gain traction to fix it.

Spock finished what he was doing and snapped the sensor case closed and left it on a hovering tray full of equipment. He stepped over to Kirk and put the full force of his attention on him. Kirk thought he could feel it as a heat ray.

"I think I'm finished." Kirk said. It wasn't him speaking, it was that ensign inside him, worried, speaking for him. Reckless Kirk rushed in to silence him, then overshot. "Maybe when I'm demoted, you can take over as captain."

"I do not want command, Captain."

"That's what McCoy said you would say."

Kirk took a deep breath of the earthiness. Rather than calm him, it made him confused.

"Might I intrude enough to point out that you do not seem well rested, Captain?"

"Rested enough if we were battling anything other an admiral."

Spock slipped his tricorder off his shoulder and for a moment Kirk thought he was going to use it on him, and he was filling his lungs to tell his science officer exactly how he felt about that. But Spock set it on the tray, and Kirk trembled with a righteous energy that now had no outlet.

When Spock looked back, his expression changed, then calmed again. He stepped back over, closer this time.

Spock spoke low, "Can I help you, Jim?"

"Yesterday I wanted to borrow your calm, but today I don't even want that. I'm completely focused now on the short term, which is just getting through the next few minutes." He laughed mirthlessly. "Silly. Just an admiral."

"He isn't." Spock's voice was soothing. "He is a threat to everything you have built. But I do think, perhaps, you undervalue the staying power of what you've accomplished on this ship. I believe it will outlast his visit."

"When is that going to end? I'd hoped he'd get off at Starbase 4, but we aren't even going there now." He sounded too young to his own ears.

"Have you asked him?"

Kirk turned away, but held back on pacing. "I did the first week. He was vague. Now I'm afraid to ask. I don't want him staying out of a sense of pride." Kirk rubbed his face with one hand. His eyes were gritty. "I never thought I'd be defeated like this."

"Why not, may I ask?"

"Because it's- Are you doing the Bones Socratic thing?"

"I notice that you are suspicious of my motives today. I can assure you they have not changed from yesterday or the day before."

Kirk paced away and stretched his neck to the side. "I'm not suspicious of you, just easily annoyed by your mother henning."

"I apologize, Captain."

"I don't want you to apologize, Spock. No one on this ship has anything to apologize for." Kirk put both hands on his head and bent over slightly, then bent over more. He wanted to stretch all the way over, out of himself. He made a noise of utter frustration. "I cannot bear this waste, this damage to my relationship with my crew any longer." He straightened, pulling his face down with his fingers as he did so. "I'd rather get it over with and sit this out in the brig."

Spock stepped close again and took one of Kirk's wrists. Kirk turned to him in question.

"Your physiological state is influencing your psychological state."

"There's nothing physically wrong with me."

Spock held up Kirk's wrist as if it were a sample of something. "There is a feedback loop from your physical state to your emotional one. I can break it, temporarily, if you like. I think it will return a measure of control back to you."

Kirk felt his shoulders fall. He hadn't even realized how tensely he'd been holding them. He shook his head. "I can't turn down any help."

Spock stepped around to face Kirk, still holding his wrist up between them.

Kirk said, "The last few days, I've been holding on only so I don't disappoint you." Apparently he was back to confessing.

Spock reached his other hand up behind Kirk's neck. Kirk felt a prickling in both arms, stronger in the one Spock held, as if a circuit had connected. He closed his eyes, but lost track of where he was due to the earthy air and opened them again. Spock was close enough for Kirk to study the individual hairs on his brow and notice that the neat line of his shiny bangs wasn't that neat.

Spock's fingers slid under his collar and down along the bones of Kirk's spine. A deeply concentrating appearance overcame his features. With a light touch, his fingers drifted to one side, in the hollow beside Kirk's shoulder blade and for an instant, Kirk felt a blanking out of all senses of one side of his body. He made a noise of surprise.

"Was that a neck pinch?"

"Similar, but to a different nerve."

That right side of Kirk's body fell lax. Spock's fingers drifted left and now that Kirk knew what was coming, he tensed.

"That is the wrong response," Spock said.

Kirk closed his eyes and accepted the strange anti-jolt a second time. Spock waited to release him until he stood steadily on his own.

Kirk felt his collar flapping and sealed it back up. "Maybe we should be doing this in my quarters," he said with a mischievous quirk of a smile. He stretched his arms by pulling each elbow toward his chest. Every bit of tension was gone from his back. "That's a two-hour massage's worth, Spock. Thank you."

Spock nodded and watched him rather than doing what Kirk expected, which would have been to return to his equipment right away.

"Would it annoy you unduly, Captain, if I came to check that you were sleeping all right this evening?"

"Yes. But maybe a good idea anyway."

"The delegates will be boarding tomorrow, early. I expect that will be an added strain."

Kirk let his arms fall lax. "I'm looking forward to the distraction." Kirk looked up at the branches overhead. "I should get back to the admiral. Rescue the torpedo crews."

"If one admiral is the worst thing they face this week, they are lucky," Spock said.

"Now you sound like McCoy."

Kirk took one last long look around his personal sanctuary. Spock continued to not attend to his equipment.

Kirk said, "Thanks. You're a lifesaver. Or at least a career saver."

On the way out of the arboretum, Taulie was so absorbed in mounting slides, that Kirk sneaked past without disturbing him.

Climbing back up the access tube, Kirk heard voices and found that Diamond had moved to the inorganic fabrication area. He was trying to give a pep talk about efficiency. Kirk leaned against the bulkhead, crossed his arms and listened in, trying not to smile too much.

Some of the crewmembers had pulled off their masks and the blowers were running full speed to clear the air of monomolecular fibers. The air was blowing into the room past Kirk in a steady stream to create a negative pressure zone. Kirk considered suiting up and striding in to point out the risks to the admiral from failing to wear the regulated equipment, but instead shook his head and strode for the lift and back to the bridge.


	5. Sleep the Sleep of the Innocent

"The Lexington has arrived at the Daedalus," Sulu said. He'd approached Kirk's table in the mess and come to attention. He looked odd that way, overly serious about it.

"They're early," Kirk said.

"Yes sir. Repairs are commencing on Daedalus' engines. They estimate they will have them repaired before we arrive."

Kirk looked to Diamond, who said, "The delegates will be late to the summit if they are not transferred to a faster ship. We proceed as before."

Kirk nodded that Sulu should comply with that.

"Don't you think the communication of my orders was sufficient?" Diamond said. "Why did the lieutenant wait for confirmation from you?"

There was no honest response that wouldn't threaten Kirk's still-relaxed shoulders. "Habit, I'm sure, Admiral."

Spock's left eyebrow twitched ever so slightly.

Kirk looked around the officer's mess. Maybe it was just his new found relief from tension, but the entire officer's contingent seemed more relaxed. Several made a point of greeting the admiral with a dry formality, unusual for the mess. Diamond seemed to treat it as normal.

Uhura took out her lyre and played softly. Kirk could hear her humming through some of the verses. The sound of shuffling cards came from behind them. Kirk didn't turn to see who it was. He was too pleased to consider it too closely, lest it vanish like a faerie when subjected to closer scrutiny.

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

"What's our ETA, bridge?" Kirk was in his robe, bent over his desk in his quarters. He'd taken a hot water shower in a bid to chase away the tension that had snaked up his back the second half of the day, despite every mental effort to prevent it.

"Oh seven hundred three, Captain."

"I'll be on the bridge for docking, leave a note for gamma shift."

"We're going to dock, sir?"

"Easier than running the transporter that much. The manifest says seventy nine passengers. Kirk out."

Kirk shook his head. He'd been relieved to get this mission out of sheer boredom, but it was merely duty as a shuttle.

He was drying his hair when the door chime sounded.

Spock entered and stood with his hands behind him.

"Good evening, Mr. Spock." Kirk toweled his hair back one last time and hung the towel around his neck.

"It is twenty-two hundred forty hours, Captain."

"Good to see you doing double duty, as a mother hen and a clock." But he smiled weakly after he said it. "I'm feeling much better with your help, but I do still have my limits."

"Of course, sir. I mention it because you are likely to only get seven hours of quality sleep at this juncture."

"That's a usually a lot." Kirk straightened his desktop as he spoke, making ready for the morning.

"Your store of patience is directly related to your hours of rest. I would suggest it is a non-linear inverse-"

"Spock," Kirk snapped. "You are becoming the Admiral of my personal life. Cease, please."

Spock's entire brow rose and he stood more formally, more at attention, unlike Sulu it looked natural on him. He also looked a little put upon. "As you wish."

"I'll let you know if I'm at risk of getting less than five hours of sleep, all right?"

"Very well, Captain. If that is all?"

"Yes, that's all. "Kirk swung the towel off his neck and tugged on it with a snapping motion. "Spock."

Spock turned at the door just as it triggered open.

"Sorry," Kirk said. "I'm doing much better, thanks to you. But I'm still a little sensitive to being overseen. By anyone. Even you."

"Understood."

But Kirk thought maybe he didn't understand and was just saying that to get away.

"Good night, Spock."

"Captain."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

The clock flicked silently to 0100.

Kirk rose in a single motion. He searched the head again for any stray little blue pills. The bottle he usually kept them in was empty. McCoy would only give him five a month and that was with duress. If he went and got more there would be payment in psych sessions, or just a guilt trip about not taking better care of himself, or changes in his diet card. Kirk shuddered.

"Damn." He didn't feel nearly as stressed as he had; there was no reason for sleep to elude him.

"Personal log, confidential," Kirk muttered to himself as he searched through the drawer between the safe and the desk. "Today my Vulcan first officer neck pinched me into feeling much better. He probably kept me from plotting to slow poison an admiral."

The outline of his brandy bottle showed through the glass of the cabinet beside the desk. That was not a good option for a second night in a row.

"Personal log, continued, apparently my self control is not completely gone. Although I am resorting to talking to myself."

Kirk sat at the desk and shut the drawer with too much force. It was true he couldn't stop obsessing over how to get Diamond off his ship. Even if he had found a way to avoid a demotion, he still didn't have his command back. He probably should record an actual personal log to sort out his thoughts. But he didn't want to possess the recording, didn't want to ever relive feeling so safe, yet so helpless at the same time.

"Damn."

He'd promised Spock without thinking through the consequences of promising. He touched the communications switch. Ensign Rail answered.

"Put me through to Mr. Spock's quarters, Ensign."

Spock never sounded tired, no matter what time it was.

Kirk said, "Care to come to my quarters?"

"Of course, Captain."

The door opened without a chime and Spock stepped inside. Kirk still sat at the desk in his bath robe. He was reviewing the layout of the Daedalus.

"Have you been working all this time, Captain?"

"No, I've been trying to sleep." He flicked off the monitor and stood up. "Without success." He shook his head. "I wouldn't have bothered you if I'd left myself a choice." He sounded annoyed. Maybe he felt annoyed. "I just want control over one small aspect of my life. That's all I ask."

He turned and looked at Spock, whose expression was firmly masked, which set off alarms for Kirk. He softened his tone. "I'm taking this out on you and that's unacceptable." He backed up and sat on the bed. "I feel better but I'm still apparently at the very frayed end of a very thin line."

He looked up at Spock who stood with his hands at his sides, watchful.

"If I say I'm sorry again, it's going to stop meaning anything. You're doing your duty as you see it, professional and personal, and I'm trying to punish you for it. Because I can."

Spock didn't respond, but his expression eased. He fetched the visitor's chair and, with deliberate motions, placed it beside the bed.

"I would love help getting to sleep." Something inside Kirk let loose as he said this. At some point Spock had become willing to give more than Kirk was willing to take, not a situation he'd ever expected them to be in. "What do you want me to do?"

"Lie back."

Kirk started to, then stood up to shuck off his robe before doing so. In t-shirt and briefs he slipped under the blanket. "I assume I'll be asleep when we're finished."

"That is the intent." Spock was rubbing his fingers together as if preparing for a meld.

Kirk looked at the deckhead above him and sighed. "You are sacrificing this much and I'm being an ass to you."

"You are under a great deal of stress."

Kirk snorted. "The morgue is empty, no one is injured, my ship is intact and is probably in the best shape since she left drydock, and I have an admiral on board."

Spock continued to sit with his fingers steepled. "If I may observe, Captain, your attempts to lighten the seriousness may be undermining your ability to deal constructively with the situation."

"Maybe. Humor is sometimes all we humans have when things go wrong. It usually helps, I find."

"The admiral has the power to remove you from command. Since that is a your life's goal and a significant contributor to your self-image, there is no reason to treat the situation lightly."

Kirk fidgeted his feet at the words 'remove you from command.' He composed himself and clasped his hands over his abdomen. "None of my much-vaunted skills help in this situation. I'm immediately out of my depth being under his thumb. I'm beginning to wonder if I would have made it to captain if I didn't rise as fast as I did. I'd have been written up too many times. When a situation is this wrong, I just can't bear it."

"That is an interesting thought experiment, Captain."

Kirk gave him a half smile.

"You have withstood the situation for nearly three weeks. That is astounding."

Kirk grinned this time. "I should stop tying you up with conversation. You probably have things to do. I envy your ability to avoid sleep."

"I do sleep occasionally, Captain. If I don't, Doctor McCoy notices." After a pause, he said, "Are you ready?"

Kirk closed his eyes and nodded. Talking had relaxed him considerably and he didn't need much more help.

Spock's fingertips came in contact with his temple, his cheekbone, his forehead. The pressure on each shifted, balancing. Those small points of warm contact became Kirk's entire world. The alien warmth of past melds rose up in him, reaching out to the contact points, trying to make a connection. He tried to restrain it, for Spock's sake, Spock who was too reserved to be engaging in such intimacy in the first place.

The mantra of 'my mind to your mind' flowed into Kirk's ear, so close he could feel a breath with it. He wanted to make this as easy as possible. He let go of himself, his needs, his dreams, and drifted without will, tethered by that voice.

Then the moment of intrusion. He knew it and, because he was already drifting, only fought it weakly. He could feel he hadn't hurt Spock, which he was certain he had the first time they had melded, even if the Vulcan brushed it off as expected and easily handled with meditation.

He could feel Spock was pleased. They were pleased. Then that moment when he felt everything at the same time as knowing in an all-encompassing circle. He liked that moment.

And the long drawn out warmth of being completely within another presence. Loneliness banished. Complete understanding.

Spock's voice came again. Not a mantra. "You are controlling the meld too much. Return to drifting."

Kirk longed to stay right where he was. They always did. But there was always another purpose intruding. Kirk tried to let go of himself again, but he didn't have hold of himself to let go of. He contemplated this problem as best he could, then felt himself guided with tender slowness. Release here. Release here. Drift.

He let go. He felt alone. He resisted. The purpose. The intrusion. He let go.

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

Kirk woke from a strange dream where he was on an alien planet he didn't recognize. There were long-limbed leaves waving like sea creatures in the air. He was trying to find the landing party but couldn't remember where they were. He sat up and rubbed his neck.

The clock read 0631, just enough time for breakfast before greeting their guests.

Much of the first shift was up early. They were in the mess chattering loudly over coffees. Kirk sat down with a small plate and McCoy joined him.

"I'll stay as long as the coast is clear. How ya doin', Jim?"

"Good."

"Glad to hear it. You look a lot better."

"My temper is still pretty short."

"As long as you recognize that. Sometimes that's half the battle."

Admiral Diamond came, flanked by his assistant. They went to the food slots. Kirk watched his officers coming and going. It seemed like a change had happened where instead of himself standing as a bulwark against the admiral, the crew had come together and isolated the admiral by himself.

McCoy vacated as the Admiral sat down. The admiral seemed surprised by this, but then seemed to forget it. He ate a few bites, took the padd off his lap and brushed the crumbs off it. "I have some ideas for the coordination between the phaser crews and the torpedo crews."

Kirk focused his attention on him. "I'm open to suggestions."

"Is that sarcasm?"

Kirk blinked. "No." He took up the last chunk on his plate and swallowed it whole. "But it will have to wait until we un-dock from Daedalus and the passengers are settled." Kirk stood. "With your permission, sir."

"Yes, go on."

In the lift Kirk decided that his idle thought last night was absolutely correct. He wouldn't have made it at all if he hadn't made it this fast. That request for dismissal smarted all the way to the bridge.

Alpha shift was taking over as he arrived. He didn't need to do anything except act in charge.

Spock stepped up to the science station. Kirk hadn't caught his eye as he entered the bridge with all the activity. Kirk followed Spock to his station and stood beside him as he changed the settings on the viewer and control boards.

"Morning, Mr. Spock."

"Good morning, Captain." Spock finished adjusting and took his seat.

Kirk didn't want to embarrass him, but he did wish to speak to him. He put a hand on the back of Spock's chair and leaned over him to speak low enough even Uhura's microphone wouldn't pick it up.

"Looking forward to seeing your father?" Kirk had held off on asking this, on the grounds that it was personal, but he didn't want any surprises like last time.

"Yes, Captain." His hands tweaked over several controls and an image of the Daedalus came up on the upper monitor with an overlaid schematic of their intended docking maneuver. Equations flickered along arcs and projected surfaces around the image.

Kirk dropped his voice even farther. "Slept like a stone. Thanks."

Spock nodded distractedly and Kirk decided that would have to suffice. He straightened and found Admiral Diamond had arrived and taken his position beside the turbolift doors. He looked away from Kirk, almost pointedly.

Kirk took a deep breath and took his seat. The delegates would make a good distraction for everyone, admirals included. Kirk dearly hoped.


	6. Troubles Are Merely Guests We Invited

The cargo bay had been neatly organized and the more battered containers draped with reflective cloth. The large interlock opened with a drawn-out hiss.

Admiral Diamond approached the waiting group, his hard soles loud in the open area. For all his insistence with conducting this mission, it was surprising that he was nearly late greeting the delegates.

Yeoman Rand stood with a padd ready to direct visitors to assigned quarters. Spock moved away from her and her many assistants and came beside Kirk.

The first off the Daedalus were a pair in brand new overalls from New Kansas. They were followed by four Andorians, five members of Second Homeland, a colony world that tried to attract the disaffected aboriginals from earth, then the Synthearth delegates, who wore robots around their shoulders. The flow continued.

Kirk recognized the Earthmoon delegate from his class at the academy. Sangelica was even blonder and more perfectly packaged than he remembered. They shook hands and exchanged a few words before Kirk promised they'd find time to catch up at the reception later and she moved on. Kirk was getting all the right signals from her and was not displeased to be doing so.

The groups moved past. Kirk lost count and the cargo bay began to fill.

Sarek emerged with a young Vulcan male trailing respectfully behind. Spock greeted each of them and the young man was introduced as Sunap, a fourth cousin. His hair came to his collar and he dropped his gaze a lot were the only two observations Kirk made about him.

Sarek said to Spock, "Your mother will be quite disappointed when she learns of our diversion to the Enterprise."

"Yes. I expect so." Spock replied, face as neutral as Kirk ever saw it. Kirk swallowed a sigh. Spock was going to go full Vulcan for the next five days.

Kirk indicated that Spock should escort them to their quarters personally and they departed, robes swishing.

The captain of the Daedalus came across long enough to thank them, then hurried off. The interlock clunked closed. Kirk glanced around.

Admiral Diamond was following Sangelica out of the cargo bay, the pair of them chatting amiably.

"I'm pretty sure he's married," Kirk said.

"He is," Yeoman Rand replied without looking up from her padd. "Anything else, sir?"

Kirk was glad she didn't seem more amused by him than usual. "No. Yeoman, thank you."

"Don't take it personally, Captain. Some women have a thing for gray hair."

"That was a dismissal, Yeoman."

She rocked to her toes and said, "Yes, sir," before turning like a dancer and marching away.

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

The recreation room was full of bright voices. Yeoman Rand and company had arranged a feast and even a few decorations. Kirk stopped in the doorway and took it in. Rand finished giving instructions to a crewmember and turned to him, face prim and professional.

"Nicely done, Yeoman."

"Yes sir."

Kirk continued, "But-"

"I did tone it down, sir. I assume we don't want more duty of this sort."

Kirk closed his mouth. "I think you've been my yeoman too long." He walked away into the crowd.

He found Uhura wearing yet another version of her dress uniform, this one with a draped skirt covered in bold orange and yellow bursts.

"The reception must have started earlier than announced."

The way she smiled, he suspected she'd been here a while too. "It did, Captain. Almost immediately after our passengers settled in."

"That was hours ago."

"I wasn't going to stop them."

Kirk looked around. One of the bulky men in overalls was waving his arms as he talked to a woman wearing a robot. He could just make out their conversation about relying too heavily on machines for weeding when managing multiple crops. He looked around for Sangelica, but didn't see her and decided not to ask Uhura if she had been present earlier. Uhura and Rand spoke often, and about pretty much every topic.

Spock stood speaking to the Second Homeland delegation with his cousin standing silently beside him, appearing only vaguely interested. Sarek was by the wall speaking with one of the earth organizers of the summit.

Sangelica walked in. Kirk fetched the first liquid he found in two glasses and intercepted her a few feet from the door.

She thanked him with a diplomatic smile that showed off her pale blue eyes. "Admiral Diamond gave me tour of the ship this afternoon, Captain."

So much for that excuse to leave the party, Kirk thought.

"And what did you think?" he asked, to keep talking.

"It is a marvel of engineering. I especially liked your self-contained botany areas. That is my specialty. I work in New Selene City on public spaces."

Kirk sipped his drink, wondering which of his officers might be carrying a flask. "We could look at them again if you wish."

"I don't want to take up your valuable time."

"It wouldn't be a problem, really."

"You are terribly too polite." She brushed his arm with her blue nails. "But I won't take up your attention." She moved off to join the Andorians.

Kirk stood, confused. To avoid appearing confused, he took in the varied groups around the room, drinking in how well everyone seemed to be getting along. He noticed that Spock and the Second Homelanders had just about the same stoic expression on their faces. And the same profiles.

Spock excused himself and came Kirk's way. His cousin remained where he was, peering curiously at the buckskin-clad men and women who peered curiously back at him.

Kirk turned to the floating snack tray that motored by and handed Spock a glass of something purple.

"Fortunately, our guests seem to like socializing," Kirk said.

Admiral Diamond slalomed in slow motion through the crowd, speaking with Farragut, he appeared to be on an inspection tour of the room.

"Indeed," Spock said. He tasted his drink and his brows came together unpleasantly.

Kirk held out his hand for it and drank it down. "Want something else?"

"No thank you, Captain."

Kirk glanced around for Scotty. He usually didn't miss a party, but perhaps something was happening in engineering.

Kirk leaned closer to Spock. "So, Science Officer. Absent Mr. Scott, which of my crew is likely to have sequestered alcohol on their person."

Spock glanced at the admiral, then turned away from him toward Kirk. "This is not something you usually enforce, Captain, unless there is a problem."

Kirk dropped his voice. "I don't want to enforce anything. I want a shot of something."

Spock bent his head. "In that case, may I suggest Ensign Chekov."

Kirk glanced around. "Where is he? Usually I can find him by his loud voice and if his voice isn't loud, he probably isn't carrying anything."

Spock didn't turn around. "He is in the far corner with the Mars One colonists."

"Thank you, Mr. Spock."

Spock halted him with a hand on his arm. "I realize you are desperate. But this does set a bad precedent."

Kirk turned back and gave him a sly grin. "Only if I handle it improperly." He smiled. "Trust me, Spock. Worst case, there is the confiscation method."

Spock raised a brow and let go of him. He did look worried.

"Don't worry. I'll be good. I remember what you said. I know I'm outranked, painful as it is to remember every minute of the day."

Spock leaned close again. "I fear you may be rebelling."

"It gets me closer to the enlisted members of my crew to do so."

"Perhaps."

Kirk didn't make it to the corner of the room. He was waylaid too many times by various people.

"I didn't know colonists were such partiers," Kirk said to Uhura.

"I believe this is like shore leave for them, sir."

Kirk looked at her red shot eyes. "Are you carrying, Lieutenant?"

She straightened and her eyes widened.

"I only ask because my drink is a bit flat."

She crooked a smile at him and switched her glass with his.

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

"Any time, Sugar. I mean, Sir."

Kirk tilted his head. "Better slow down."

"Yes, sir."

The party was thinning out. Diamond was absent, although Farragut was still there, picking the remains from the food tray. Kirk spied Spock speaking with his father. They looked good together. Spock had his own kind of quiet dignity, but standing like a mirror beside his father accentuated it. Sunap was sitting at a table speaking with a Second Homelander of roughly the same age, but the opposite sex. She had lost her stiff expression but Sunap had not, although to Kirk, the boy's intent eyes were giving him away. He hoped the girl could spot that.

Kirk didn't want to interrupt anyone, but Spock caught his eye and held it, so he wandered that way.

"Your ship is in exemplary condition, Captain." Sarek said.

"Not my ship at the moment," Kirk said.

"So Spock informed me. It is a temporary situation, if I understand correctly."

"Doesn't feel like it."

"Perception and reality are never fully in line."

Spock turned sharply. "Isn't that the philosopher Statan? You would never allow me to read him."

"You are free to do so now."

Spock said nothing.

Sarek went on, "But you have no desire to. He is that sort of philosopher. He appeals to the underdeveloped mind."

"But you are quoting him," Spock and Kirk said simultaneously.

"I have been choosing readings for Sunap."

They all turned to the young Vulcan and his conversation partner. Kirk wished they hadn't. "I should check on my ship. If you'll excuse me."

When Kirk was out the door, Sarek said, "Even the captain cannot hold a belief contrary to his inner vision for more than a minute."

"As our chief surgeon would poetically put it, the captain is chafing at the bit. Any assistance you can provide with distracting the admiral would be highly welcome," Spock said.

Sarek looked at him, brow raised.

Spock said, "It has gone on long enough that I am growing concerned about the captain retaining his position."

"I see. That is unexpected for what I know of your commander."

"Nevertheless. For a human his self control is exemplary, but it is finite."

"I will do what I can, Spock."

Spock bowed and also departed.

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

It was worth the diversion, and partly worth Diamond's presence, to see Spock with his father during off-duty hours. Kirk tried to stay out of the way, but Spock didn't make it easy. He drew Kirk into their conversation at every opportunity.

Even Diamond seemed to have picked up the easy camaraderie of the passengers and skipped the next day's review meeting after shift. Kirk saw him, strangely without Farragut or Sangelica, touring the ship, talking to the crew. Kirk was beginning to believe his little speech might have actually sunk in and he started to re-evaluate the man.

Sangelica had settled in with the Synthearthers. Kirk had invited her to lunch on the second day and refused to take no for an answer. He arranged to eat off hours when the mess was quiet.

"Seeing you reminds me how long it's been since the academy," Kirk said.

She laughed a bright lovely laugh. "I was thinking the same thing." She neatly arranged the utensils beside her plate. Kirk noticed she did that whenever she put them down.

"You've done terribly well for yourself, Jim. But everyone knew you would."

Kirk thought back to the endless work of the academy, the feeling of constantly falling short. "I didn't think so."

"You were the one most likely to put off your own desires for an assignment or extra study."

"I really don't remember doing that."

She picked up her fork again. "That's because you were so driven. Anything you did that wasn't in pursuit of your goals seemed like a diversion, even for five minutes a day."

"And you weren't driven?"

She chewed thoughtfully and appeared wistful. It was a gut melting look for her. "I was, but not toward a goal I actually wanted when I got it."

Kirk nodded. "I understand."

"Do you?" She asked this with quiet sincerity.

"Yes, of course. How can you really know what you are going to get until you have it?"

"It helps to hear you of all people say that."

"Why?"

She tipped her head side to side and appeared sad. Kirk put a hand on her arm, and she didn't pull away.

"Because people told me I'd wasted so much of everyone's time when I left the academy and took a job on the moon instead of in Starfleet. I didn't do that on purpose. I didn't intentionally set out to do that."

"I don't think you wasted anyone's time. You undoubtedly use your training often."

"I do. The attitude of many on the moon is that we have a society like on earth, but we don't. We have to maintain our environments and the culture must be more rigorous. It's much more like a starship."

Kirk squeezed her arm. "You didn't waste anyone's time. If you are happy and successful, you did the right thing."

She covered his hand with her other one and her eyes grew wet. "Jim. Thank you." She let go. "I can see how you manage to lead four hundred people into danger without them complaining."

He turned on his best smile. "They complain sometimes."

"I can also see how you've managed other unlikely things." Then she blushed, but it was followed by a flattering smile.

The medical staff in the corner got up at that moment and left, and the officers from organic synthesis came in.

"I should let you get back to duty." She stood, despite eating little. "I promised the admiral I'd show him moon dancing this afternoon. If we can turn the gravity down in the gym that low. He thought it was safe to do so in that area of the ship."

Kirk stood. "It is the one area of the ship we can easily do so. We often use it for low-G training."

She gave him another wistful smile and was gone. He was even more confused. He wanted to believe he'd merely lost in a straightforward one-on-one competition, then he could just move on. But a niggling in the back of his mind wouldn't let him settle on that assumption.


	7. A Diamond in the Rough

Admiral Diamond sat quietly in the corner of the conference room during the all department staff meeting. They were halfway through acting as a ferry boat, and Kirk wanted his senior officers to start thinking ahead to being a starship again.

Diamond didn't speak at all. He didn't criticize anyone. He didn't recount some detailed personal observations from his morning tour. He didn't have any suggestions. Kirk had been enjoying the last few days, but this was getting alarming.

As the meeting broke up, Diamond stood with the kind of forcefulness an athlete would use. It wasn't his normal business-like posture.

"I need to speak with you, Kirk."

Everyone else hurried on, but Spock stopped. Without looking at his First, Kirk tossed his head that he should go and Spock did, with one piercing Spock-glance back at the admiral.

Diamond stared at the doors after they closed. Kirk waited.

"Well, Kirk, I was wrong about a lot of things."

Kirk raised his head in shock, thinking that he really needed to relearn how to expect the best out of people.

Kirk began, "I should also ap-"

"Don't interrupt me, Kirk."

Kirk closed his mouth and shifted to stand at parade rest.

Diamond put his hands down and leaned over the conference table, taking on the aspect of one who commanded a giant desk.

"I'm not like most of my rank at Starfleet. I like to think I have a clearer perspective on things because I don't have my own weaknesses from being in the line of duty out in space to cover for with regards to my pride."

Diamond paused and studied Kirk's face. Kirk wondered what that meant exactly, but he remained in stillness.

"I suspect many other brass would let this slide, but I can't. Some things just aren't acceptable."

Kirk felt his heart speeding up. It irked him greatly. Pretend you are facing a deadly cobra, and don't move so it doesn't strike. Who had said, that? Someone at the academy when Kirk was a suffering plebe.

Diamond jammed a finger at the table. "Especially if they can threaten a ship."

Kirk had a wild idea this had something to do with the phaser crews, but even he couldn't believe the admiral would be this melodramatic. His crews were excellent, even if they didn't want to show off for this man.

"You know, I guess I should have expected something like this once I saw you in action. I thought you were a rule-follower. Your record, nearly every note in it, says you are, at the core, a lover of rules, of how they make the world work well. I thought we'd get along on that point. I was made to understand that you just like to get creative when things get tough, and you like to question command's goals based on the facts once in orbit. That was what I read before arriving that's what I assumed, but I was wrong."

Kirk slowly pushed his shoulders back so the motion wouldn't be apparent. He can remove you from command, Spock's voice reminded him. It wasn't a good reminder. His gut was feeling unsettled. He couldn't stand here helplessly much longer, but he also couldn't speak against orders until he knew the damn topic.

"But this." Diamond glanced at the conference room door as if he worried it would open. "I would have brought the hammer down on you sooner, but I didn't know what to think. I had to do a few more interviews and think it over."

Kirk broke. "May I ask what the topic is?"

"The topic, Kirk, as if you didn't know, is your fraternizing with your crew."

Kirk lost his parade rest posture, dropped like a marionette. "What?" He struggled a moment too long and when he opened his mouth again he got cut short.

"Let me finish," Diamond said. "Do try to remember that I am in charge."

Kirk glanced around the room, trying to figure out how they'd gotten to this juncture.

Diamond's voice pulled him back to the present.

"I won't insult you by enumerating the risks involved to your command. Or how disappointing it is to find our star captain isn't. But I am personally condemning your actions. And I don't know my next step yet. You have too many of my colleagues enamored of you back at command."

A long pause ensued. Kirk took it as an opening.

"Do you have evidence of this?"

"Do you really think I'd be standing here talking to you if I didn't?" Diamond pushed off with his hands and stood with his arms at his sides. The table seemed to yawn between them like a chasm. "Anything to say for yourself?"

"I deny your accusations," Kirk blurted. He couldn't seem to get control of himself fast enough. That was always true with this man for some reason. McCoy would probably have a crackpot theory as to why.

"Noted," Diamond said. He paced around the table to the door.

"That's it?" Kirk demanded.

Diamond stopped just short of the door sensor. "What else is there to say, Kirk. You want me to repeat how disappointed I am?"

Kirk felt that slice through armor, muscle and bone and hit some tender spot he would have utterly denied was there.

Kirk said, "I demand a chance to defend myself. There is absolutely nothing to this. I have never slept with my crew. I have never even hinted at it in jest. My crew are my family out here."

Diamond stared at him. "You put on the innocent routine quite well. Makes me wonder what your sociopathy profile looks like. I didn't see it in your record. Maybe it was sealed for some 'official' reason." He stepped into the door trigger. "Captain." It sounded like a threat.

Alone, Kirk stretched each of his shoulders, one at a time, rolled his head to stretch his neck. He needed full control of the one thing he could control: himself.

Kirk went to the bridge and finished his shift in a state of perfect normalcy. Extra perfect normalcy. Diamond watched him carry out this charade without comment, although he had his arms crossed even more than usual.

Kirk intentionally stood near the admiral, chatting with Uhura about ship reporting procedures. It was a subject he'd had in the back of his mind for a while and there was no time like the present to get lost in minutia. And Scotty was on the bridge for once. Kirk got an update from him that he stretched long by asking for more design details on top of engineering details on top of specifications.

When Kirk got around the other side of the bridge, Spock turned in his chair to look at him, eyes alert and questioning. He wasn't falling for the charade.

"Did you find the second sensor anomaly you were tracking down?" Kirk asked. There was no first sensor anomaly, let alone two of them.

"Not, yet, Captain. I have brought on line and programmed a backup array to compensate."

He pressed several switches and turned the monitor so Kirk could look into it. Kirk bent to do so. It showed the ordinary scans.

In a low voice, Spock said, "Is everything all right, Captain?"

Kirk adjusted the monitor settings and put a hand on Spock's shoulder while he peered into it again. With his thermal shirt, Spock felt cooler to the touch than a human would.

"Surviving at the moment. No risk of violence. Ask me later," Kirk replied.

"I shall do so, Captain," Spock said in a normal voice.

Shift ended with a shuffling of replacements coming onto the bridge. Spock followed Kirk to his quarters, nearly stepping on his heels he kept so close.

Once Kirk's door swished closed, Spock said, "Although you are covering it well, you seem extraordinarily agitated, Captain."

Kirk paced to the partition and rubbed his head. He really should get out and tour his ship. Make sure his crew's morale was holding up. The enlisted that hadn't been to the receptions might be feeling left out. But he refused to appear artificial and feared he would right now. His crew didn't deserve that.

Kirk paced to the door, annoyed when it slid open. He stepped back again to make it close.

"Captain, is there anyway I can assist?"

Kirk stared off through the bulkhead. This really wasn't something to burden Spock with, of all people. McCoy maybe.

"It goes without saying, I'm still having issues with the admiral."

"That was the highest percentage assumption."

Kirk paced again. He paced the longest path he could, from the sleeping alcove to behind his desk.

Kirk said, "I really don't want to bother you with this. It's my problem and you need to be there to keep this ship together."

"That is an easy job right now, Captain." He watched Kirk go back and forth. "Perhaps you should speak to Doctor McCoy if not me."

Kirk snorted. He stopped and snorted again. "I know what he'd say." He looked at his hands. They didn't appear to be shaking but they did not feel steady. "He has no evidence." He dropped his hands. "Maybe I do have daddy issues."

Kirk moved again. He turned at the corner by the wall shelf and came back again. Spock stepped into his path, blocking the narrow opening between the desk and the partition.

"Jim." This was almost shouted.

Kirk halted and looked up at him.

Spock said, "Your behavior is concerning."

Kirk had an additional, not useful, realization that Spock also could remove him from command. Kirk's shoulders dropped.

"Admiral Diamond accused me of fraternizing with my crew."

Spock's left brow rose and stayed at his bangs. "I am- Based on what evidence?"

Kirk tossed his hands in the air. "I don't know. He thinks he has some." He shook his head. "I've been out flanked. I didn't see it coming."

"An odd analogy to chose in this circumstance."

"I don't know why he has it in for me," Kirk said. "I didn't get that sense when he first came on board. I got the sense he meant well, in his own addicted-to-manuals and having-everything-just-so way. But now I don't know." Kirk swung his arms, pressed his fist into the palm of his other hand. "Now I feel like he's out to break me. He's doing a fine job of it."

Kirk stared at his medals on the long shelf behind the desk. He kept his voice low, said with a half laugh, "I don't even know who he thinks I'm fraternizing with."

Spock started to speak, stopped, then said, "I think I can help in this area, Captain."

Kirk looked over his shoulder at him. "Help with what?"

"With identifying the person in question."

"And you didn't inform me?"

"I did not understand the significance at the time. I overheard the admiral speaking to his assistant during the first reception. Most are aware of how keen Vulcan hearing is at a distance but do not realize we can also discern a single voice out of a loud room with many voices."

Kirk's felt lifted up for the first time that day. "What did he say?"

"He stated that he was amazed that you were standing so brazenly close to this person. That you and this other person were not making any effort at all to hide your affections. And he wondered how you had gotten away with it so long. Like I said, I was not certain what or whom he was referring to at the time, but given these additional facts, I give it an ninety-seven point two percent chance it is you he was discussing."

Kirk thought back to the reception, filling his mind with a blur of colors, Starfleet and that of the delegates.

"I talked to Rand several times. Of course I did, she was coordinating things. Of course I was standing close to her; I was trying to be heard. And Uhura. We talked several times. Damn it, we've been serving together a long time, can't I relax around her long enough to finish a drink? And that little ensign, Holsted. I had to bend down to talk to her. She's not very tall, but she is well put together. Should probably wear a uniform top one size larger. Not that I can recommend that to her."

Kirk shook his head to clear it. "You didn't happen to note whom I was standing next to when the admiral said that?"

"Yes, sir."

Kirk put his hands on his hips, feeling ready for battle, finally.

Spock continued, "Myself, Captain."

Kirk felt his head falling forward and caught himself. He stared at Spock. A long time.

He snapped his fingers.

"That explains the glances at the door. He was worried you were coming back." Kirk thought back over the meeting in the conference room in a new light. He smiled faintly. "I think he's scared of you."

Kirk paced away from Spock and straightened the medals case of dark velvet encased in transparent aluminum.

"I feel better knowing it's you he suspects."

"I do not understand."

Kirk pushed his shoulders back. "I feel better in that at least Diamond doesn't believe I'm capable of exploiting my crew in such a horrible way. You I couldn't possibly have coerced."

"I still don't follow, Captain."

Kirk drew in a deep breath. "If Admiral Diamond thought I was capable of abusing my position to get one of my crew into bed, he should pull my command. Turns out, at least, he doesn't think that badly of me." As Spock continued to appear puzzled, Kirk said, "Spock, if I ordered you to sleep with me under treat of . . . demotion, or something. What would happen? Nothing. Or maybe you'd neck pinch me, I don't know. All I know is we wouldn't end up in bed together."

"The power structure is still there, Captain. You are still in command."

Kirk studied Spock's features. He looked more alien today. "I'm surprised you don't see the distinction. There is a big difference in the kind of power I hold over you, or Bones, or Scotty compared to the rest of the crew. Remember the Plalaga Mission when you didn't believe I could fool the planetary command. Remember how long you argued?"

"Yes, but in the end I obeyed your orders. I had no choice. I would expect to face a court's martial had I not."

"For the record, Spock, in a case like that, I would not have court martialed you. If you had refused to back down, I would have replaced you for the duration of the mission. Your arguments were completely logical."

"But incorrect."

"You got unlucky. I just had a strong hunch on my side."

"I would have been disloyal."

"The difference is had your decision come up for review by command, you would have fared well. Same thing if I crossed the line in our personal relations. Command would back you up and you know that. You know how the system works and how it gives you power too. No one on this ship reaches the rank of senior officer without understanding that. Most of the regular crew and even many of the ensigns, they're enamored with this ship and me. It would be heinous to take any kind of advantage of that. Well, I take advantage of it every time I put their lives at risk. But that's what they signed up for. They didn't sign up to be used."

"Interesting, Captain."

"So, yes. I'm a bit relieved. Although, surprised." He rubbed his chin and looked Spock up and down. "You aren't exactly my type."

"Indeed." Spock adjusted his stance, put his hands behind his back.

Spock said, "I am curious what you intend to do."

"Think it over before deciding anything."

Kirk gestured at the door. "I can't count how many times Farragut has seen you leaving my quarters late."

"That is not evidence of anything."

"It's evidence that you are in my quarters at odd hours. Circumstantial. But if one were already predisposed to assuming . . ."

Kirk sat down. He tapped his fingers on the desk. He was feeling considerably better the more he understood his position. But then he looked up.

"I wonder if you should talk to your father. I'd hate for him to get wind of this without an explanation.

Spock appeared appalled for just an instant before staring over Kirk's head.

"I do not think you appreciate how inappropriate this topic is to a Vulcan, Jim."

"These are special circumstances. And it's not like anything is actually going on."

"Nevertheless. The topic itself is extremely unsettling simply to bring up."

"That's not logical, Spock. It's part of life."

Spock looked to the side. "It is our way." He fell thoughtful and lightly shook his head. "Do you imagine Admiral Diamond will speak to my father about this?"

Kirk pushed his shoulders back. "Well, they have been talking a lot, by design I suspect." He waited for Spock to acknowledge this with a nod.

It was hard to imagine the admiral broaching this topic out of the blue with Sarek of all people. Especially given Diamond's uneasiness with Spock. It would violate the manual, for another thing.

Kirk said, "I suppose I rate it fairly low."

"Then I do not have a logical reason to initiate such an uncomfortable discussion. This topic is simply not brought up among Vulcans unless it is life or death."

"If it would be easier on you, I'm willing to speak with him."

Spock breathed in and out. "I appreciate your willingness to do so, but since we have already discussed having said discussion and you have been informed of the inherent displeasing effect the topic will have, you will also be violating significant social conventions."

Kirk shook his head. "Since your father travels widely and sees all kinds of beings. I don't quite agree with you. But I will defer to your opinion where Sarek is concerned."

"It is not an opinion, Captain. It is a statement of fact."

Kirk suppressed a smile. "Fine. Spock. I hope you don't regret it."

"If he does hear of it and deems the topic important enough to discuss it, then I will of course, also discuss it. I expect if he does hear of it, I will be the first one he discusses it with. Logically."

A smile forced its way onto Kirk's lips. "I'll leave it to you, then."

"And as to your plans, Captain . . ."

"I don't have any yet. I'm working on them."

"Simply speaking to the admiral again is not the logical next step? If you wish to set up an interview with him and me . . . he must know I am incapable of lying.

Kirk grinned. "Spock, you just lied about a sensor anomaly."

Spock raised a brow.

"No." Kirk rocked back in his desk chair and put his feet up. "No. I like that he's this far off the mark. And he's been avoiding me the last two days, otherwise. It's been glorious. I thought he was just busy with the delegates, but maybe he's decided I'm a lost cause. Which is fine with me."


	8. It's an Ancient Vulcan Custom

The computer core hummed. It stretched down in a tower five decks high. When one turned one's head it hummed louder and softer in different frequencies.

Sarek had thought to visit the observation deck, but he had interrupted a conversation between Sunap and the girl Doba there the day before and was loathe to risk it again.

"Impressive, isn't it?"

Sarek had heard footsteps but had not considered them important. He turned to greet Admiral Diamond, trying to think of a topic to engage the man's time for a while. He was running out of topics and learning more about Starfleet High Command than he ever wished.

"I was hoping to run into you," Diamond said. "Alone." He leaned on the railing. "I feel like we've gotten to know each other, Ambassador. Which I didn't expect. But I'm pleased. Starfleet and the Vulcans do not usually see eye to eye. But you are surprisingly open to discussing pretty much anything."

They both watched the core flicker as status lights cascaded and fluttered.

Diamond said, "I'm broadly interpreting the rules regarding disciplinary procedures speaking to you about this, but I'm concerned that if I don't, you will think poorly of me later for not having warned you when I could have."

Sarek waited patiently for the man to continue. This was a different conversation than the previous conversations and in that way, was welcome. The creativity of human indirectness knew no bounds.

"This will be public knowledge in a few hours anyway. I'm having a hearing convened on Starbase 6 and I fully expect your son will be called to it as a witness."

Through his composure Sarek intentionally projected something like boredom. "I see."

"I just thought you'd like to know."

"It sounds like a Starfleet matter."

"I'm not sure it purely is. I suppose it is. But your son is a Vulcan and he will be involved. Is involved." The admiral seemed to having trouble composing his thoughts. "He'll be notified in the morning, I expect. Commodore Ramos is arranging things."

Sarek watched an array of components go offline and then, one-by-one, come back on line. "Is it not odd for you to inform me before you have informed Spock?"

Diamond leaned harder on the railing. "He'll be informed soon enough. I would appreciate you keeping this to yourself."

A moment of silence later, Diamond added, "Things should be handled officially for human resources reasons, you understand."

"Of course." Sarek had waited for an opening where he could answer a different question affirmatively.

The admiral had gone silent without imparting sufficient information. Sarek loftily said, "I have full faith in Spock's ability to handle himself."

"This might be a bit different for him. I understand it's a difficult topic for Vulcans. Or so the computer claims."

"That points singularly at a particular topic," Sarek observed.

The secondary cooling system on the deck below kicked on, adding a new note to the hum.

"Does it?"

Sarek continued on with increasing external serenity, "That I can think of, in general. Individual circumstances may add others, of course."

"Well, yes of course."

Sarek counted out ten seconds and thought of the most pragmatic thing he could say. "If Spock has a difficult task ahead of him, he will rise to the challenge of it or not."

Diamond stood straight and pounded the railing lightly with his fist. "Well, if he can't rise to it, he shouldn't be behaving the way he is."

Sarek turned to him with his whole body. "You gave me with the impression that Spock himself was not in jeopardy with regards to this hearing."

"I did. He's not. Superior officers only ever are. Otherwise how would we ever get anyone to talk?"

"Yes, of course."

Sarek could see no path but a direct one. "Your implication is meaningful, Admiral. Do you really intend to make that implication?"

The man sucked in his lips, hesitated. "Yes and yes."

Sarek raised a brow.

"I just didn't want to you be surprised later, is all."

"Indeed not." Sarek feigned boredom again. "Spock is capable enough. And this is a Starfleet matter."

Sarek was supposed to stall the admiral if possible, could likely glean more information from him, but he wanted time to think. The admiral departed with a clumsy bow in his direction. Sarek nodded back and returned to contemplating the seething core of the starship's brain.

The quarters Sarek shared with Sunap were empty as they almost always were since the first reception. Sarek sat at the desk and requested that communications make a secure subspace connection for him to his office on earth. He then requested that office make a connection to Vulcan. There would be significant additional lag given how much closer Vulcan was to his current location, but he knew the crew of a starship was tightly knit and did not want to raise awareness of his actions.

"I humbly request an audience with T'Pau," Sarek said to G'uran, one of his mother's staff, or minions as he had heard humans refer to them. The term annoyingly reared up in his head each time it was relevant.

There was a long wait. Long enough to meditate lightly.

After formal greetings, T'Pau directly asked him what it was he wanted. Either she finally recognized that subspace time was expensive or she meant to be short with him.

"I am in need of advice, honored mother."

"You must be troubled, indeed, in that case."

"I am troubled only because I fear you will be. I find myself unexpectedly sanguine about the situation I've encountered. But I do not have authority to deal with it alone."

"And that is?"

"Spock's relationship with one of his fellow humans is close enough it may warrant clan recognition. That is, however, a determination I defer to you as head of the clan."

"I recall quite clearly that you didn't ask my permission before marrying a human female."

"This is a human male. And a starship captain."

T'Pau spent a moment thinking. Her aged face moved closer to the screen which made her nose larger. "That would explain T'Pring's rejection of him. I never accepted that outcome until now. They were a successful betrothal."

"I do not have details, honored mother. Only the word of someone in high authority over the two of them."

She backed away from the camera, her eyes flashing beneath hairy brows. "You are as bad as my father, Sarek. Why do you not talk to your fellow beings when it is difficult? Hasn't it brought you enough grief remaining as a dormant mountain the way you do? Here you are an ambassador; you talk to beings as an occupation; yet you cannot talk to your own sons. One after the other. The same problems arise."

"Logically, Mother, given Spock is perfectly capable of an independent existence, this should be none of my concern."

She made a noise of frustrated agreement. "But it IS the family's concern. Yes. That is always the problem. Well, I will have someone study the archive and will contact you."

With a quick but formal sign off, she was gone.

Sarek sat before the terminal. The censure he had expected to receive on Spock's behalf had not materialized. The only censure had been for him, directly. That was unexpectedly easier to take.

Kirk triggered the door to his quarters. Spock stood in the doorway.

Kirk said, "Sorry I'm not dressed yet. I just woke up."

Spock stepped inside. "I needed to speak to you before you departed for the bridge." He glanced at the monitor. "Have you read your communications this morning, Captain?"

Kirk dampened his hair and toweled it off to fluff it. "No. Something I need to be aware of?"

"I expect you have the same notice from Commodore Ramos for a disciplinary hearing on Starbase 6."

Kirk flipped the towel back from his face and smiled. "Did he really?"

Spock had trouble finding a reply. "You seem pleased, Captain."

"I am. What a hole to dig yourself into. Couldn't happen to a nicer admiral."

Kirk went to the monitor and glanced through the messages. "But of course you're dragged into this against your will. I'm sorry about that."

"I am at no risk of sanction."

"But at risk of a great deal of embarrassment." Kirk flicked off the monitor and returned to getting ready. He dug out a fresh uniform and began changing.

Spock said, "I confess I grow increasingly reluctant to arrive at Starbase 6."

Kirk pulled his uniform shirt straight. "I bet you do. Don't worry. I'll get it halted before you get dragged before any hastily convened councils regarding your alleged sleeping habits."

"How exactly will you accomplish that, Captain?"

"I'll think of something."

He looked around the room to be certain he was ready for duty. "I notice there is nothing on the summons that indicates what I'm potentially being disciplined FOR."

"Nor on mine."

"Good. I'll enjoy seeing what the crew comes up with. They're always wonderfully creative with these things."

Kirk pulled his sleeves down crisply, checked his hair, found and slipped on one of his boots, and finally looked up at his first officer.

"Spock," he said, full of sympathy. "You look like you're in the short line for the guillotine."

"May I speak frankly, sir?"

Kirk nearly dropped his other boot. "Spock, you may ALWAYS speak frankly when we're alone."

"I am somewhat taken aback that you do not wish to simply inform the admiral of the facts."

Kirk slipped on the second boot with only two hops on one foot. "I haven't ever convinced that man of anything. If you haven't noticed." He stood straight and worked his feet fully into both boots. "All right, I'm having my fun not just at the admiral's expense but also at yours. I see that."

"I am appreciative of your vast improvement in mood, Captain, but this is an official hearing."

"The hearing won't happen. Trust me."

"If you would share your plan, it would be easier to expect that outcome."

"I don't have one yet. Spock. I need to see the lay of the land. But I won't let you down."

Spock took a deep breath. Kirk could see it in the slow rise of Spock's shoulders. "Captain, my father is nearby."

Kirk patted him on the arm. "And I'm finally getting a chance to really get to know him." Kirk sighed. "Spock, Really. Give me twenty four hours, then you can speak to the admiral. You might actually get through to him. I really think you scare him." Kirk grinned. "Imagine if he let the computer read out Introduction to Ancient Vulcan Culture, especially the parts about how violently Vulcan males protected their mates. Oh, I hope he did."

Kirk moved to the door. Spock didn't move at all.

"Twelve hours?" Spock asked.

"That's not long enough."

"Jim."

Kirk heard the unmistakable, pride shattering pleading behind his name. He felt his desire to really pin Diamond to the bulkhead with his own braids melt away despite the weeks of pain behind the desire.

Kirk scratched his cheek thoughtfully. "All right. The responsible commander in me can't bear up under that. You can talk to the admiral today, at your convenience. But . . ." Kirk held up a finger. "You owe me one. And, please don't use that tone more often. I completely crumple under it. Understood?"

"Acknowledged, Captain."

Kirk shook his head and smiled at him in sympathy. He took a hold of his elbow and said, "Let's go face the galaxy, Commander. Never mind the admirals in our way."

"As you wish, Captain."

Kirk stepped forward and the door triggered open. Admiral Diamond was on the other side of it.

The admiral's voice couldn't be flatter. "Morning, Kirk. Mr. Spock."

Kirk squeezed Spock's arm once and released him.

"Good morning, Admiral. Something I can do for you?"

Spock had firmly masked his expression as he greeted and passed the admiral. Diamond glanced twice at him as if to check where he was going to stand before turning to Kirk.

"I wanted to make sure you received a communication from Commodore Ramos."

Kirk said, "I did. I understand why you did it. But I think you're making a grave mistake."

"You think you're above the rules, Kirk. That's the first step to perdition for a commander out in deep space, far from command."

Kirk brightened. "Why admiral, something we can agree on."

Diamond drew his head back in confusion.

Kirk went on, "If I'm dismissed, sir, I'm going to check in with my yeoman, who is overseeing our guests. Mr. Spock was hoping to speak with you in private, I believe."

"Was he?" Diamond put his chest out and turned to Spock.

Spock paused. "It can wait, Admiral. I will accompany the captain."

Kirk didn't react, even a smidgen. The last weeks of practice were paying out

They arrived in the lower decks where quarters had been rearranged and created to accommodate their passengers. It sounded like the first day of school there was so much bustle and bright voices.

"They won't even need a summit by the time they get there," Kirk said.

Down a quiet side corridor. Spock halted Kirk with a hand on his arm. "I must satisfy my curiosity, Captain, if I may. Did you intentionally arrange what happened outside your quarters?"

Kirk gave him a glowing smile. "I'm flattered by the level of credit you give me, Mr. Spock."

"We have had chess games not dissimilar to that."

Spock dropped Kirk's arm with a jerk and stepped back. Sarek came along the corridor, appearing serene, but with the overly piercing gaze Kirk knew well from his son.

"Good morning, Captain Kirk. Spock, I require a word with you. At your convenience. I do not wish to pull you from your duties."

"He can take an hour off from his twenty-four hour duty clock." Kirk turned to Spock. "I'll arrange your relief as soon as I check in with Rand. If you'll excuse me, Ambassador."

Sarek didn't nod to Kirk, he bowed almost respectfully in acknowledgement. Kirk hesitated before walking on to be certain he hadn't missed anything. Something odd seemed to be going on with too many people on his ship.

A/N: You know that tick tick tick ratcheting noise as a roller coaster gets hauled up the first hill? By the way, I love roller coasters.


	9. Not Without These Fellow Travellers

Sunap was fussing with his robes in front of the mirror. He ceased as soon as Sarek and Spock walked in.

Sarek said, "Fetch breakfast for us Sunap. But do not return for twenty minutes."

The youth processed this. Nodded. "Yes, Uncle."

They were alone. Spock composed his face and his thoughts. Kirk would call this a 'sinking feeling.' It was a most appropriate term for the phenomenon.

"I have been considering the long period in which we were not communicating, Spock. Having responsibility for Sunap's education for the year has been reminding me of many things."

Spock relaxed slightly.

Sarek went on, "I previously placed a disproportionate part of the blame upon you for that time, but I am equally to blame for not listening. I have learned that communication is not just speaking. Logically, it should have been obvious."

Spock relaxed more and hid his shock.

Sarek went on, "I am determined to not continue to make the same errors in communication I have made in the past, and not just with you."

It was a good thing Spock had bolstered his control against shock, Sybok wasn't a topic even alluded to. Spock did not want to interrupt this flow. He didn't nod, or even breathe.

"You returned to this family, despite what must have been a price paid in pride, Spock. And I do not intend for that price to be extracted indefinitely. To that end, I am being proactive in making certain the clan adapts to you for a change."

Spock began to worry again. "Father-"

"This is not easy, Spock. Let me finish and I will listen without interruption to what you need to say."

He waited as if to test Spock. Spock remained silent.

"I spoke to T'Pau."

Despite every ounce of control, Spock started. Sarek ignored this.

"She suggests conducting a Ty'cra'vora ceremony."

Spock shook his head when looked to.

"I had not heard of this either. The last record of it being performed is thirty-five hundred ninety-seven years ago. The clan leader him or herself adopts an outsider so that they may be betrothed inside the family at will."

At Spock's confused look, Sarek said, "Perhaps you departed Vulcan before fully appreciating how important it is to uphold the high standard our clan retains for our people. We are one of the remaining high families adhering to our dual heritage both as savages and worshipers of logic, with our traditions we remember being both warriors and priestesses. Continuing to do so is important to me, and our clan, and the memory of our ancestors. Any significant relationship you have, Spock, must needs trigger an appropriate ritual of recognition, especially a relationship with someone with as high a position of authority as James Kirk has. Is this logical to you?"

Spock nodded. Sarek fell silent.

"May I speak?" Spock ventured.

"Yes."

Instead of saying, this is all based on a misunderstanding, all Spock could manage to say was, "T'Pau suggested this?"

"Yes. I think it is a relatively tidy solution. Do you not?"

"The last time T'Pau saw the captain, she had been tricked into believing he was dead."

"Yes, she asked if she should refer to him with the Wind Temple moniker ResurrectedOne, but I suggested that was too strong."

Spock couldn't find his faculties of speech for a many moments.

"I sense there is something you want to say," Sarek said.

"I don't . . ."

Sarek waited.

Spock finally found his mental footing and said, "Father, this is a mistake. I must presume you spoke to the admiral, or he to you, but he is mistaken."

Sarek's response was to raise an eyebrow.

"The captain and I are not . . ." but the words were not available. They were all incalculably rude, or difficult to pin meaning to from being vague enough to be polite. He could switch to Standard, but instead he gave up.

"Fascinating," Sarek eventually added. "How did someone of his rank gain an understanding so divergent from the facts?"

Spock thought back over the last few weeks. "A string of circumstantial events."

"Like the one I encountered just now. You were holding your captain's arm." He waited while Spock struggled.

Spock said, "I have no logical explanation."

"I would expect not. It is almost non circumstantial. To a Vulcan's eye, to interact so with an outsider, it would be unheard of."

Spock shook his head lightly. "The captain touches to communicate. It is a habit I have acquired in return."

"That is no explanation, Spock. Not and still call yourself Vulcan."

Spock stiffened and felt heat on the skin of his face.

Sarek said, "I have triggered anger in you. I did not intend that."

Spock took control of his voice before speaking. "To James Kirk, I am not Vulcan or human. I am me. I am free to be myself. If you wish to be communicated with as to why I departed Vulcan, that is why. I did not know at the time what I was seeking, but I have found it. I am whole here."

"If you are something other than Vulcan or human, then my accusations of being insufficiently Vulcan should not touch you. But perhaps habit explains your reaction."

"You make a good point, father. Perhaps habit."

"And you make a good point about seeking a place where you are valued as a whole being. I am pleased you found such a place. I had been mistaken to insist you could find that on Vulcan."

Spock nodded, kept his eyes down. These were not words he ever imagined hearing and his control took all of his attention.

When Spock had recovered enough, he said, "May I ask what you intend to do about T'Pau?"

"Nothing."

At Spock's questioning expression, Sarek said, "I leave it to you to decide. The offer as made cannot be rescinded. It stands for the ages. Within the family, it qualifies as completed just by being offered. As T'Pau's agent I should inform James Kirk myself. But whether I do so is up to you."

Spock shook his head. "I do not see sufficient-"

"Do not make a hasty decision, Spock. This is a clan issue and should progress slowly, especially given the morass of human misunderstanding we have waded into. Notwithstanding one mistaken admiral, my few days' observation indicates the recognition is not entirely unwarranted."

Spock flinched inwardly at having revealed too much unknowingly. But as Sarek said, there could exist no logical explanation for his behavior, so he didn't offer any.

Instead Spock said, "Captain Kirk assures me he will arrange it so the Starfleet hearing will not proceed."

"Did he say how?"

"No and I do not see how it will be managed, but I often do not see how he will accomplish the impossible before he does so. And he often does so."

"A useful clan member to have in that case."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

That afternoon as he sat on the bridge, Rand arrived with Kirk's reports. She sent distress calls with her gaze. Kirk smiled reassuringly in return, but this just caused her to glare in frustration at him.

On the next report he signed his name: "My quarters after shift."

She huffed and went away.

Kirk strolled the bridge, enjoying the sounds and smells of it, the hollow spots where the access panels clunked under his feet, his crew working diligently. The questioning glances at the beginning of shift had been all shut down with a knowing smile. Kirk had hoped Diamond would leave by now so he could ask Mr. Chekov what his theory was about the disciplinary hearing.

Perhaps he could chase the admiral away.

Kirk circled slowly around to Spock's station. He dropped his hand on a blue-clad shoulder like he had a hundred times. Spock gave no indication that he noticed. He had been quiet all shift, in fact. He hadn't given Kirk any meaningful looks or coded messages upon entering the bridge, so Kirk had assumed Spock's meeting with his father had gone well enough. Now he second guessed that.

Kirk leaned over Spock. Close to one pointed ear.

"Everything all right with your father?"

Spock didn't reply immediately, which was just fine with Kirk who used it as an excuse to continue leaning far too close to his science officer.

"Surprisingly, yes."

"I see. I was getting a different vibe from you."

"It is complicated."

Kirk patted his shoulder. 'It always is."

"Yes."

Kirk didn't look at Diamond as he straightened and continued on to communications. He was ceasing to care. He had a crew to take care of.

Diamond departed before Kirk finished getting an update from Uhura on their passengers. As the lift doors swished closed, Uhura took her earpiece out and said, "Is everything all right, Captain?"

The other stations turned to hear the answer.

"Everything is fine, Lieutenant."

She frowned and continued to appear concerned.

"What did you do, Captain?" Chekov asked, always one to be relied upon.

Kirk wandered down to stand fore of the navigation board. "Mr. Chekov, are you implying I'm guilty?"

"No sir?" He bent his head low. "I suppose the question could sound as if I meant that."

Sulu said, "So, there is a hearing, sir?"

"Yes, Mr. Sulu, there is a hearing convened."

The bridge crew underwent a transition from resigned tense to angry tense.

"But, I don't understand," Chekov said in his heavy accent. "Vat did you do, Captain?"

"Admiral Diamond has some issues he wants to formally address," Kirk said.

"But . . . how could he?" Chekov went on. "Vat is he concerned about?"

Sulu said, "I heard . . ." He stopped when Kirk's attention turned his way.

Kirk said, "Please, Mr. Sulu. I am curious what you heard."

"I'm certain it must be a mistake, sir. But a few rumors are circulating. If we can speak on your behalf at the hearing. We would appreciate the opportunity."

"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind."

"Are you going to be demoted?" Chekov asked.

Kirk smiled. "Remind me, Mr. Chekov, not to hire you to represent me."

A chuckle rolled around the bridge.

Chekov turned to Sulu. "Vat did you hear?"

Kirk and Chekov both turned to Sulu and waited. Chekov leaned closer as if Sulu might whisper the answer.

Sulu blushed and waved a hand. "I heard several things, but the most likely was that the captain was accused of fraternizing with the crew."

Chekov continued to lean more. "That is not allowed?"

Kirk said, "No, Mr. Chekov it is not."

Sulu said, "Especially not a particular kind of fraternizing."

Chekov straightened in his seat. "But you did not do this thing?"

Kirk replied, "I did not do this thing."

Sulu sat forward eagerly. "The admiral is convening a hearing . . . without merit. You have him, sir."

Kirk returned to his seat. "He has himself, Lieutenant. I've tried to convince him otherwise, but the harder I try the harder he believes."

"But this hearing is going to hurt him."

"It is going to be painful for all involved, Lieutenant." He avoided glancing at Spock.

Uhura said, "Captain, we're glad to hear that you aren't at risk."

"Oh, I'm at risk for many things. Losing my temper for example."

The bridge crew smiled.

"Justifiably so, Laddie," Mr. Scott said. "Justifiably so."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

Rand burst into Kirk's quarters as soon as he called for her to enter.

"Captain. I need to speak with you."

"What's the matter, Yeoman?"

"Admiral Diamond questioned me the other day, about just everything involved with being your yeoman. Now he's got you up before a disciplinary hearing. I don't know what I said wrong. Should I have lied?"

"Rand, you have nothing to lie about. It's all right."

She dropped her concern and glared at him. "You are completely unconcerned about this."

"I am, because I know it's all a mistake."

"And you think that's going to save you?"

Kirk started to reply then stopped. "It won't?"

"You could still get railroaded, you know. It happens. Who is sitting for the hearing?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen the list yet."

Her eyes went wide.

"Should I try to get the list for you? Do you have a lawyer? I can make sure you get the best."

"It would be wonderful if you could."

She made a note on her padd. "What are you accused of, sir?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"That's mysterious of you, sir. You'd think I could figure it out from the admiral's questions. But he asked about literally everything. He even wanted to know how often you met with Mr. Spock. It doesn't make any sense."

"It's going to be fine."

"Only if you don't insist on doing everything yourself, sir, as usual. You're going to need some help this time."


	10. The Question Can Be More Dangerous

Sunap slipped through the door a mere second before the designated time to depart for dinner. Sarek looked up at him, locked his gaze on him.

"I am just precisely on time, Uncle."

"Yes, you are. I wish to speak to you."

Sunap appeared chastened and resigned just before he appeared perfectly unemotional.

"Do you have something you wish to tell me?" Sarek said. After a pause, he added, "Or ask me?"

The reply was quiet. "Perhaps."

"Wouldn't it be logical do simply ask said question? That way you can plan based on the reply."

"I do not understand."

"Is it not the case that you wish to ask me if you can spend a month of your educational year with me on a colony world so that you might expand your knowledge of Federation peoples?"

Sunap stared. "May I ask that question?"

"You may always ask any question you like. You must always also be ready to cope with the response you get, and any downside from the simple act of having asked."

"May I do as you said, just now?"

"I will think about it."

Sunap nodded and after a moment said, "Since we are asking questions, may I ask another?"

"Do I not encourage questions?"

"Not precisely, Uncle."

"Ask."

"How did you know I wished to ask that question?"

"Logic can be tied to perspective. That is not something taught formally, but I think you will find it true as you get older. I took a seventeen year old earth woman from Boston back to Vulcan to be my wife. It was logical for me to expect your question."

Sunap didn't react at all, but he also didn't move.

"Any other questions?"

Sunap's reply was too hurried. "I have many questions."

"Would you like to try another one?"

Sunap thought for a while.

"I feel I should chose carefully," he said by way of explanation for the delay.

"If you judge you must."

"I am curious about cousin Spock. But there are too many questions to select from."

"Perhaps you should ask them of him in any case."

"I have one for you, but I must accept the consequences of asking."

"Once you accept the consequences it would be logical to ask."

Sunap said, "What I wish to know is, why was there such a time when you did not speak to each other if you are so similar to each other? I cannot see how that would be logical."

"The answer to that will require some time and thought to put it in terms that will make sense to you."

"So the answer is not strictly logical?"

"Your mother warned me you could be devilish. I was wondering when I would see it. But to your question, I can say that I have observed that sometimes the most similar beings can clash the most discordantly. Whereas those that are different but complementary may experience better harmony. But that is only part of the explanation in this case. But I have a question for you."

Sunap stood taller.

"Why did you request my guidance for this year of your education? I do not often get selected."

"You are considered the most difficult, but I wanted the opportunity your influence offered."

Sarek waited for more.

Sunap set his face and went on, "If I could convince you of something, you are one of the few with the power to give it to me. Hence why I asked about Spock, I believe it would be useful to understand how he lost your influence."

"I see."

"But I have many more questions. I do not understand how cousin Spock functions around so many humans."

"You should speak to him regarding that. Or perhaps more effectively speak to the human he works with the most, the captain."

Sunap became dismissive. "I will speak to Spock."

"Since you do not wish to speak to the captain, I insist you do so. If you wish to compare what he says to what Spock says, you may find that even more illuminating."

"And if I do not wish to speak to the human captain?"

"I was not asking your preferences, you will note."

"I do not understand him. And it is irritating to attempt to."

"All the more reason. We dock tomorrow, but I will use that power of mine you covet so much to arrange a meeting before then. You will see Doba frequently during the summit, you can spare an hour."

Sunap's face showed no expression. "Yes, Uncle."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

"I expected you would be on time," Kirk said. "Come in."

"I will not utilize too much of your hour," Sunap said as he entered Kirk's quarters. He turned around once, head level, taking in the room.

"The ship is relatively quiet right now." Kirk gave him a grin of camaraderie. "But I expect you want to get back to someone else."

Sunap's face went flatter, which Kirk knew meant he had crossed a line.

"But you have questions, I am told," Kirk said.

Sunap was studying the 3 dimensional chess board, which was two moves into a new game. He turned to Kirk.

"I do not understand how cousin Spock has tolerated so many years in this place."

"You should probably ask him that. As far as I can tell, he gets along pretty well."

Sunap shook his head faintly, moved on to look at the shelf with books on it. "But to be among humans so much of every day. He is superior to you in all ways, yet beneath you. How is that?"

"That one I can answer," Kirk said. "The short answer is, Spock doesn't want the position I have."

"That is fortunate for you, then." Sunap pronounced this, then turned back to the objects on the shelf.

Kirk was beginning to feel disregarded.

"It's certainly true that Spock has a much larger command of facts and can work complex figures in his head. He's stronger, can go months without sleep, has more acute senses, plus an extra sense I lack. But none of that makes someone a leader."

If Sunap had been human, Kirk would have suspected him of half-listening, but Sunap could one-percent listen and still follow just fine.

"Leadership and creative problem solving are the critical skills of my position. The other things certainly don't hurt, but they can't make up the difference."

"I see." This came out distantly.

Kirk began to be wonder if he was being baited, rather than Sunap being this inexpert about human interaction. Or maybe he really was that full of himself.

Sunap moved back to the chess board. "You must like this game if it is so prominent in your room."

"I love that game," Kirk said, deliberately pulling out the L word.

"I have other questions. Uncle says I must prepare for the fallout of having asked a question at all." He finally turned to Kirk.

"There's no fallout for questions here. Not getting an answer is the worst that can happen."

"You will not inform Uncle of the questions?"

Kirk resisted crossing his arms. "No."

"Uncle says I should place myself in another's position to understand them."

"Wise."

"If I were cousin Spock you would be making me miserable."

Kirk almost laughed, but reined it in. "How so?"

"You are amused at my expense. That is an insult."

"There is a kind of amusement that comes from surprise, not mockery."

"Is there?"

Kirk put on his most sober expression. "Yes. But do go on."

"Simply being commanded by a human would be enough. But, there are other things." He looked at the chess board again in a posture of someone who wanted to move one of the pieces.

Kirk said, "Well, I know Spock better than you do. And can safely say, he's not miserable."

"You are not a telepath. How do you presume to know this to such a degree to justify such an expression of certainty?"

Kirk crossed his arms. "Part of that leadership instinct."

Sunap indicated the chess board. "Have you played this game with cousin Spock?"

"All the time."

"How can you love a game if you lose all the time?"

Kirk laughed.

Sunap's control showed a crack in the form of a slightly raised voice and drawn together brows. "I do not understand you. You have been given this powerful ship as your own by the Federation. You command massive weapons of death without flinching at the horror of it. You command my cousin, yet everyone, including uncle seems accepting of this. Even Spock accepts it, even with your ignorant human ways."

Sunap calmed as if someone had thrown a switch, although his eyes were actively seeking out Kirk's reaction.

"I didn't hear a question in that," Kirk said.

The switch threw back the other way. "Why doesn't anyone stop you?"

Kirk laughed again. "I've had an admiral on my ship stopping me from doing pretty much everything for the last month."

"Everything is amusing to you." This was spoken with cold calm. "My cousin is a legend, and I wanted to understand his situation. But I understand even less after speaking with you."

"I'm not trying to be confounding. I think our worlds are just that far apart that you can't accept the answers."

"My uncle seems to respect you. This I do not understand either. He should defend Spock."

"Defend him against what?"

Sunap stared. "Many things." He lifted his chin accusingly. "You eat meat in front of him."

"It is organically synthesized. No animals were involved."

"Nevertheless, it is abhorrent."

"Spock's never complained."

"You order him about as if he were inferior to you."

"We covered that one. "

"You touch him as if he were mind numb."

Kirk didn't reply to this one.

Sunap went on, "He has so little power. Why does he not complain?"

The door chimed. Kirk paused a full three seconds, lost in thought, before pushing the door release.

Spock entered crisply, hands behind his back.

"Sarek mentioned he had arranged a meeting." Spock gave Sunap a stern look as he faced him.

"We're having a little Q and A," Kirk said with easy-going charm. "Some of his questions would be better answered by you." Kirk stepped aside from the chess board. "Sunap, why don't you ask Spock the question you just asked me about playing chess."

Sunap looked between them, then pulled himself straighter. "I asked the captain why it would please him to play chess if he loses all the time."

When Spock appeared confused, Kirk said, "I mentioned that you and I play often. So, naturally . . . "

"I see." Spock turned to his cousin. "The captain wins thirty one point one percent of the time, and draws twenty six percent of the time."

"Playing against you? But uncle says you are good at chess."

Spock's brows went up and he enunciated clearly. "I am."

"Then your data are not possible."

Kirk grinned. "That sums up how our entire conversation has gone."

Sunap said, "Yes, he is always amused by my questions. It is most aggravating."

Kirk and Spock shared a look, which Sunap interrupted with a strangely unemotional voice. "But I wish to understand this."

Spock turned to him. "You wish to know how I can lose at chess to a mere human?"

Kirk could hear the fake derision in Spock's voice. Sunap didn't seem to catch it.

Sunap said, "To this human. Any human. You have a far superior intellect for precisely this task."

Spock studied the board. "Once one attempts to look ahead more than a handful of moves, the number of possible combinations rapidly approaches incalculable, even for a Vulcan mind. One must dispose of large numbers of potential moves as useless in order to evaluate the remaining ones for the best strategy." As he spoke he moved the bishop up a level and over one square. "The captain manages to find efficacious moves in that gray area that I have disposed of and therefore do not see coming."

Spock turned back to Sunap. "The human mind is capable of far more unbridled creativity. And raw computing power is something that can be built. One does not need to possess it natively to have access to it. Tools and the productive organization of individuals are a great equalizer over the raw intellect of individuals."

Spock turned to Kirk, seeming to be seeking a final verdict.

Kirk smiled faintly and nodded.


	11. Set Free to Fail on Your Own Merits

The midday officers' mess was busy.

Kirk tossed his napkin down. "I'm going ashore as soon as we dock. What time is it on base?"

Spock replied, "Oh nine hundred fourteen, Captain."

"Good, Ramos should be in his office then and had at least three cups of coffee. He'll be ready for me."

McCoy said, "And you really think you can just waltz in there and talk the man out of it?"

"I'm going to try." Kirk flashed his most charming smile.

Bones lifted up a hand to protect his face. "Turn that thing down. You could blind a man."

Kirk stood suddenly. "Speaking of which, there is someone I want to talk to."

"Before she leaves," McCoy finished for him.

"Right."

As Kirk reached the door. McCoy said to Spock. "Never seen that man crash and burn with an old fling as hard as he did with that moon woman.'

Spock crossed his arms. "There was a good reason for it."

"Was there? Do tell."

"Doctor, if you were to strap me down in your little sickbay of horrors and force nitrous oxide on me, I still would not tell you."

"Little sickbay of horrors?" McCoy grinned. "Spock, that was a joke! You told a joke." He sobered. "At my expense, but still."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

Kirk found Sangelica in her shared quarters and refused to let her finish packing.

"It's not far to the arboretum," he said, leading the way.

"You are far more impulsive as a captain than as a cadet, Jim."

"I feel like I have less to lose now."

"That would be unexpected."

The arboretum was empty. He led her around to where the plants were thickest. Spock's experiments were still running, Kirk recognized the leaf sensors.

"It's a regular lovers lane in here," Sangelica said.

Kirk turned at that and looked around again. He shook himself. "I have a question for you and my ego won't let you leave until it gets an answer."

She crossed her arms as if she were cold and lifted her shoulders up. Kirk wondered if the higher gravity was tiring her out.

"I got a very different vibe from you when you first came on board. And then you chilled. Since I pride myself on how I come across to someone I'm interested in, I would greatly appreciate some feedback on what happened."

She blinked several times. "David, I mean, Admiral Diamond said- Did he lie?"

"Ah," Kirk said. "I see."

"He said you were already romantically occupied and that I wasn't your type. At all. I got the impression . . . I mean, it was funny because at the academy you were always so, well, aggressive might be the word, I don't mean that in a bad way, you saw what you wanted and arranged to get it is what I mean."

"But you believed Diamond, even with what you know about me?"

"Well, I thought that explained it."

"Explained what?"

"That you were putting on a show for cover. You wanted to be seen as a certain kind of man and a certain kind of leader and that was that. Whether that was your preference or not." She gave a helpless shrug and laughed lightly. "It explained it."

"I see." Kirk ran a hand through his hair. "I was hoping to catch up a bit more. You have been hard to pin down."

"I admit, you were always so cute. I was trying to guess who you were paired with."

"Please don't."

She laughed. It was bell like.

Kirk said, "I didn't like losing to Diamond for any reason."

"Oh, you didn't. He's a perfect gentleman."

"Yes, I bet he is."

"What?"

"Will you have any time at all during the summit?"

"I can try. Give me your private transmitter ID."

Kirk stepped close, ran his hands down her arms.

She said, "But I really have to pack. I can't miss orientation."

Kirk stepped back and held an inviting arm out to indicate she should pass.

"Jim, your life is crazy."

"It is less so when I'm actually in charge of it."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

Commodore Ramos came out of his office to talk to Kirk in reception. "I can't by rights speak with you in private about this, Captain. Not the day before a hearing."

"What if we bring in a neutral witness and declare it not private?"

Ramos appeared flummoxed by this suggestion. Kirk waved at the officer waiting in a chair by the wall.

"Lieutenant, would you be willing to sit in on an open meeting between myself and the Commodore?"

The woman's brows rose. "Certainly."

The lieutenant stood at attention halfway between the commodore's desk and the visitor's seating. "I can discuss what I hear at this meeting, outside this meeting. Is that correct, sirs?"

"That's the idea," Kirk said.

"I don't know what this is going to accomplish, Jim," Ramos said as he sat behind his desk. "But go ahead."

Kirk said, "I wanted to warn you how embarrassing this hearing is going to be for Admiral Diamond."

Ramos wove his fingers together and stared across them. "Why would you want to warn me of that?"

"Because while I have no difficulty with going ahead with this hearing, it is putting a lot of strain on my relationship with a particular officer."

"I imagine."

The lieutenant moved just her eyes to look from Ramos to Kirk and back again as they each spoke.

"Why are you agreeing to this hearing, Commodore? You must know this isn't a good use of anyone's time."

"I do know that." He held a hand up to the lieutenant. "We're going private for a moment. Forget what you are about to hear." He turned back to Kirk. "Jim, the man called in a favor. I was going to insist he organize his own hearing, but I'm a man of my word. I get called to repay a debt, I don't back down. And if there is nothing to it, a hearing shouldn't be too much of an issue. I'm sure you can understand that. Okay, we are back online."

Kirk had foreseen this as a purely an administrative decision. He stalled to think of a new strategy. "Why was Diamond assigned to my ship in the first place?"

"Scuttlebutt was that command expected you to straighten him out a bit. He's a good man, but badly in need of a dose of reality."

"Me straighten HIM out?" Kirk pointed at himself. "Commodore, I am utterly defeated by that man."

"You of all people, Jim?" He sounded honestly disappointed.

"Some tasks in this galaxy are impossible, Commodore. Giving Admiral Diamond a dose of reality is definitely one of them."

"I'll inform the proper people of your defeat."

"Well, I appreciate that, I suppose." Kirk shook his head. "But as to the admiral's fraternizing allegation. Really, Commodore, you know me better than that. I'm not the type to take advantage of those under my command." A deep, unsettling twinge stopped this line of argument. He straightened and tried again.

"I've never slept with anyone in my crew. Let alone the officer he thinks I have. Think about it for a just a minute and it's obviously a mistake."

Ramos said, "I was trying not to be overly impressed."

The lieutenant's brows went up. Kirk felt himself being reappraised by her.

Kirk said, "I'll take a truth test, if you'd like me to."

Ramos said, "I'd like to see that, actually. I'll have a unit brought in."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

Kirk returned to his ship and found his officers in the mess, still sitting around long after lunch. With the ship on a skeleton crew while docked, they could all have been off on leave.

Kirk stepped into their midst and turned to Spock, then away, thinking to not draw attention to him.

"I was certain I could get Commodore Ramos to cancel the hearing. But he wants to go ahead."

A few eyes rolled. McCoy snorted.

Mr. Scott said, "Ya did point out how embarrassing this was going to be for the admiral, Captain?"

"Yes, I did. I let the computer measure the truth of my statements while denying everything, as well. Neither convinced him to call off the hearing."

McCoy said, "Maybe he wants to embarrass Diamond too."

"Ya gonna be all right, Laddie?"

Kirk turned to his chief engineer. "Yes, Mr. Scott, I'll be fine. I admit, I thought I knew Ramos better."

McCoy said, "Maybe he needs a distraction, say . . . like watching an admiral squirm. Maybe he's just bored."

"Which makes me wonder why you are all here," Kirk said.

Scotty said, "We'll not be going anywhere until we know your fate, sir."

"Thank you, Mr. Scott. Some of you are probably called to the hearing. I apologize for not getting this nonsense stopped."

McCoy said, "I'm everyone's doctor. I know everything that's going on on this ship. They didn't call me."

"To everyone's relief, Bones."

"I got called," Yeoman Rand said, hand raised. "Am I allowed to say that?"

Kirk said, "Yes. You can disclose your own participation. But not anyone else's."

Rand said, "At least Admiral Diamond will not rejoin the ship after this. Right, sir?"

Kirk rubbed the corner of eye. "I sincerely hope not. If so, we may have to resort to one of Dr. McCoy's creative suggestions."

McCoy held up his hands. "I didn't say anything. No one heard me say anything."

While the rest were smiling and joking, Kirk turned to Spock. "I need to talk to you."

Spock rose and followed.


	12. The Seeds of Doubt Can Sprout on Any Ground

"Have a seat, Spock." Kirk indicated the visitor's couch. "I mean it. If I want to pace, I don't want you in the way."

Spock sat with his hands resting on his thighs, as much at attention as one could be on soft furniture.

Kirk tried not to pace quite yet. "First off, I'm sorry. I was wrong. I tried everything and still let you down. The only remaining alternative was resigning and no matter how important your pride is, I wasn't prepared to do that."

"Of course not, Captain."

Kirk rubbed his eyes again. "I need to get my thoughts focused on defending myself. And I have a meeting with a lawyer this evening that Rand set up. But I need to clear up something with you before that. Something Sunap said made me wonder about something."

"I should apologize for his behavior-"

"Don't do that. I told him he could ask whatever he wanted. He called my bluff." Kirk smiled, "I remember being that age."

Spock appeared doubtful.

Kirk pulled the visitor's chair around and sat facing Spock, hands clasped. The cabin was quiet with the engines off and everything sounded louder than normal.

"Spock." Kirk took a deep breath and bent forward over his elbows propped on his legs. "Sorry if this gets a little personal, but I have to ask this. If my touch was bothering you, you would you say something, right?"

Kirk knew the answer was 'no' by the way Spock shifted back slightly.

Spock said, "Not necessarily, Captain."

The bottom of Kirk's stomach was trying to slip downward. He held himself level.

"Why not?" Kirk said. Spock hesitated and Kirk grew firm. "This is important. I need an honest answer."

Spock turned away while he considered, then looked back. He spoke slowly, "Because it seems to be a part of how you function as a commander and I do not wish to disrupt that."

"Even if I was distressing you."

Spock shook his head faintly. "It is minor."

"Is," Kirk echoed. He stood up and walked around. His legs felt like live wires.

Spock's tone seemed calmly out of place. "It is logical. I can control my reactions better than you can change your methods of leadership and communication."

Kirk shook his head. "Spock . . ." He grabbed hold of the back of the visitor's chair and leaned over it in Spock's direction. "Do you know what you are saying? Why?"

Spock hesitated. "I do not understand what you are asking."

Kirk's voice was rising without his will. "I'm asking why you wouldn't say."

Spock hesitated again, for longer. "I believe I just answered that, Captain."

"Do you have any idea, Commander, the implication of what you are saying?"

Spock studied him in silence.

Kirk said, "Do you know what the command manual says? Do you know what Sunap said? 'Why doesn't he complain?' The manual? It says 'all physical contact with Vulcans is improper contact.' It's one of the few times a specific race is mentioned in the entire manual."

Kirk stood straight but kept hold of the chair. His body felt alarmed and alert but strangely weak.

"Jim, I do not think that stricture applies in this case. And Sunap does not understand the nature of our relationship."

"There's that word: Relationship."

Spock shook his head. His voice was gentle. "I do not follow you, Jim."

Kirk calmed his voice. "The other day you said you didn't see the distinction between the power I have over the rank and file versus the senior officers." He looked away from Spock, feeling undone. His quarters felt small and closed in. "Maybe I deserve this damn hearing."

Spock moved as if to stand, but sat back. "Jim, I do not believe you deserve it, and I would hope my opinion would hold some weight in this."

"Technically, no it doesn't. For good reason."

"Only in a hearing is my opinion irrelevant," Spock said. "I expect, however, that it would hold weight with you, personally."

"Why can't you just . . . tell me if I'm distressing you?"

Spock knitted his hands together in his lap. "We are discussing a handful of occurrences over months, Jim. It is not significant. The vast majority of the time, I do not mind."

Kirk looked away from him again. "I've been wandering through this threat of a hearing regarding inappropriate behavior felling smug. This is what I get."

"I do not understand how your creative genius works, Jim. It is a mystery to me. And we have needed it too many times in too many potentially fatal circumstances for me to risk impacting it."

"Okay. I can see that excuse in the heat of a situation, but why not say something later?"

"It is no different. I do not want you considering my personal needs when you have an entire ship, if not a planet, to worry about. That would be unacceptable."

Kirk rubbed his brow while he wondered what other buried truths about himself were lurking.

"May I stand, Jim?"

Kirk waved that he could. Spock pushed off the couch, came beside Kirk, and blatantly took his arm.

Kirk's mouth twitched upward, but he shook his head.

"I fail to see why you are discarding my arguments," Spock said.

Kirk grew forceful. "Because it matters that I'm doing things right. And there is a pretty clear right and wrong here."

Spock shifted his grip so he could lift Kirk's forearm. "I am unbothered by this. I am familiar with your inner thoughts and emotions. If they intrude unexpectedly it is easily dealt with. We have melded too many times for the opposite to be true."

"I've started wondering about that too. I wondered what your father would think."

Spock's voice became tight. "It is none of his concern." He quieted abruptly. "And I am free to act as I wish in this."

Kirk pointed at himself. "But it is my concern that some things are over the line that I didn't realize were. But I don't know they are because you won't tell me."

"If my opinion on that is relevant, why is my opinion now on my own situation being disregarded in your final analysis?"

Kirk pushed off with his arm, but Spock didn't release him. "Because it has to be. If I were bedding some new ensign on this ship and she insisted she wanted it to continue, do you think that should be considered relevant? No." Kirk put a finger to Spock's chest. "This is no different. You, yourself, said you did not see the distinction. You, yourself, are failing to counter my command over you when I am crossing the line by not informing me."

Neither of them moved.

Kirk said, "Do you see the problem?"

"In theory. But not in practice in this particular situation."

"I'm the star captain. The rules don't apply to me?"

"I did not say that. I feel a bit like you must with the admiral, I am unable to get through to you with an argument."

Kirk relaxed his captured arm and looked away, resisting that comment. "Some rules do matter, Spock."

Spock pushed Kirk backwards. Two steps, three steps, until Kirk's back met the wall between the door and the sleeping alcove.

"Spock?"

Spock placed his feet so he had Kirk braced there with his arm pressed to his chest.

Spock said, "You haven't ordered me to release you."

Kirk studied his face, trying to glean what he was doing.

Spock said, "Why have you not commanded me to let you go, Jim?"

"I shouldn't need to."

The grip on Kirk's forearm tightened until it started to bruise the bone. Kirk's body went on alert, but he held still. Spock had to know he was hurting him.

The grip eased. "You still have not commanded me," Spock said. He was almost taunting.

Kirk opened his mouth but couldn't do it.

"Why. Haven't. You?" Spock said.

Kirk looked down at Spock's hold on him. The bones still ached, even in Spock's moderate hold.

"This is important, Jim. I need you to articulate it."

Kirk said, "I don't want to damage our relationship that much."

Spock's grip eased to just barely touching. His right brow went up slightly.

Kirk went on, "If I command you to let me go, we become merely captain and first officer. Instead of friends, or partners."

"And which of those two spheres do you believe we normally operate in when, for the rare times it happens, I voluntarily fail to tell you your touch has disturbed me?"

Kirk sighed in resignation and was released. He felt relief from guilt like a wave of stress crashing out of his boots and through the deck.

"I get your point." Kirk rubbed his arm where it smarted. "When you want to make one you don't do it by halves."

"It was important to me to make it clearly."

Spock was still standing closer than normal. He looked down at Kirk. "The alternative is to be surrounded by humans instinctively fearing I will tread upon their deepest fears."

Kirk considered this. "Even on this ship?"

Spock nodded. "You fail to realize how much your behavior has made it possible for me to be truly part of this crew. You demonstrate something to your fellow humans by your methods of interaction and your freely touching me is a significant part of that. It sends a subconscious signal to everyone around you. Especially when you are two point three five times more likely to touch me than anyone else."

"Really?" Kirk rubbed his upper arm to avoid rubbing his forearm. "I worry that if I overdo it, it can be misread with a lot of the crew. Not with- Well, apparently even with you if we get the wrong brass on board."

"It is important to me that you do not change your interaction with me. Your method of bringing me into this crew have made the Enterprise my home."

"Spock." He rethought what he was going to say. "You were here when I arrived."

"Nevertheless."

"Pike wasn't doing a very good job."

"He was exemplary. He kept his distance as recommended. And the rest of the crew followed his lead."

"I see. You are being surprisingly forthright about this." Kirk resisted rubbing his arm yet again.

"After the talk with my father I am better able to be."

"You never told me how that went."

Spock stepped away, head bent. "Somethings were said that I never expected to hear. It was quite surprising."

"I'm glad for you, Spock."

Spock turned back, considered Kirk. He considered that he could send Kirk down to the planet to see his father to have him relay T'Pau's offer of recognition. The idea still seemed too odd and unexpected to accept.

"You all right?" Kirk took one step closer, then stopped as if intentionally giving Spock space.

Spock nodded. He stepped forward and reached down and took Kirk's wrist. A hot ache still pulsed in the bones of Kirk's forearm. "I did not expect it to be painful this long."

"It's all right; you made your point. And I'm grateful you did. I want to be a certain kind of commander or not one at all. I was taken aback by facing difficult truths and overcompensated."

"You are certain?"

"Yes. Can't you feel it?"

After a moment more, Spock released him. He could feel a great number of things and wasn't certain whose feelings they were.

Kirk swallowed hard. "I don't want to lose this easy rapport with you. So if you ever need space, let me know. For that matter, is there a way I can assume it will distress you to touch you? That 'handful of times' in the last few months?"

Spock considered that. "When I am having difficulty with emotional control it is most distressing to have you touch me."

"I'm probably more likely to touch you then, also."

"I believe that is true. You seem adept at discerning that and wish to alleviate it."

"That's all it takes, Spock. I won't anymore."

Spock nodded.

Kirk put his hands on his hips. "And I'm sorry you may have to answer for this misunderstanding at the hearing."

Spock said, "I am beginning to appreciate how difficult this could be for Admiral Diamond."

"It only has to get him off the ship."

"I will be pleased to help arrange that, Captain."


	13. You're Going to Need a Good Lawyer

Kirk strode into the Advocate General's office. The outer office was empty, the computer terminals darkened. The door swished open behind him.

"Sorry I'm late, Jim."

Kirk turned. "Areel." He put his hands on her arms to greet her and accepted a peck on the cheek. "I didn't know you'd changed starbases."

"Just like you, Jim, I like to see the galaxy."

She put down the bright blue case she was carrying and greeted him with a quick hug.

"It's good to see you," Kirk said. "You. You aren't my lawyer, are you?"

"Yes, this time I am on your side. Officially and unofficially. Let's get started, shall we?"

"I've never been more pleased to have you all business, Areel."

She led the way into a meeting room. "Don't fight me on staying on topic, Jim. We don't have time."

They sat at one corner of a conference table. "You really know how to get into trouble, Jim. They should give you a medal for that. Make one up if they need to."

"I'm the victim of a mistake."

She paused to look at him then continued to unpack her case.

"I don't like that look," Kirk said.

"Well, last time you said that, you were correct."

"You don't believe me?"

"We'll get to that in a minute." She arranged her padd and stylus and communicators in front of her. "First I have to yell at you properly. What the hell were you thinking submitting to a truth scan for Commodore Ramos?"

"He's calling the hearing. I wanted it stopped."

She shook her head. "Jim. Don't. Do. Anything. Without checking with your lawyer. First."

"I don't see the harm."

"You've handed them the knowledge that you will pass lie detection. Now they have the opportunity to be ready for that."

"But . . ."

"Jim. You need a lawyer so badly, you might consider simply making one part of your bridge crew." She put her hands down on the table and leaned over him. "Aren't you considered some kind of legend of strategic thinking, Jim? Think for a moment. You are accused of fraternizing . . . get this . . . with a telepath. All they have to do is suggest . . . don't interrupt me . . . just suggest that your memory has been tampered with to allow you to fool the truth tester."

Kirk's face grew hot. "You are honestly suggesting that Spock, of all people, would alter my memory? Without my knowledge?"

"Jim. I'm suggesting that someone will suggest it in the hearing, negating your testimony in the first place. Capeesh?" She flipped open her padd and madly tapped on it with the stylus. "Stop making my job harder, is my point. If I can think of it, they can think of it."

"Yes, ma'am," Kirk said.

"That's more like it." But she gave him a soft smile. "My temptation is to have you ask for an extension so we have more time to prepare."

"I want this over with. It's an unacceptable strain on my crew. What do we need to prepare?"

"Jim. Have you seen the evidence? No, I can tell you haven't."

She turned her padd around and slid it under his nose. The photo on the screen was of two people in Starfleet workout suits in what certainly looked like an intimate scene. Spock was bent over him, arm behind his upper back. Kirk had his hand on Spock's shoulder. To fend him off, he knew, because he couldn't breathe in that position.

"I knocked the wind out of myself," Kirk said. "Landed wrong. Where is the full video?"

"That's all there is."

"In context this is innocent."

"Can you get the context?"

"It's not a working area of the ship. It's considered private. We don't keep that data longer than thirty six hours."

"Can it be recovered anyway?"

Kirk shook his head. "When data are removed, they are completely removed. Spock reprogrammed things to be certain of that. It's a security risk otherwise."

She placed a pink nailed finger on the padd. "So, you knocked the wind out of yourself. Is that the proper recovery procedure for that?"

"No. That's more open airway. He pulled me to a sitting position a second after this. Knees up, which is the proper position."

She stared at him too long, reached over and flicked the image. This one was in motion, jerky and blurry. Even Kirk had to admit it looked like they were necking. Especially the way Kirk sealed his shirt up with that eaten-the-canary grin.

Areel said, "Any idea why the quality is that way?"

Kirk stretched his neck without realizing it. The view was the arboretum, from a low angle.

"It's one of the sensor cameras. Time lapse, close range. It can't focus at a distance or take continuous scans."

"And, do you remember these events?"

"Yes, I-" Kirk glared at her. "Of course I do. What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm representing you, Jim, not your first officer."

Kirk sat back, arms crossed. His chest was heating up, starting from a slow burn under his ribs and rising from there.

Areel said, "Jim, I have to consider the possibility that you don't have your full faculties. I'm not doing my job otherwise."

"I can take a lot of criticism of myself. I can't take unjustified insinuations against my best friend."

"If you say that during the hearing, or anything remotely like it, it is over. You are finished. Is that clear?"

Kirk set his jaw. After a second, he nodded.

Her nail clicked on the padd screen which was looping through the same jerky image of the two of them seeming to have their arms around each other. "So. What is happening here?"

Kirk reached over his shoulder to point at his back. "The nerve that runs here, controls a feedback loop between physical stress and emotional stress. Suffice to say if a Vulcan gives you a really minor neck pinch there, it's a fifteen second equivalent of a two hour massage."

She didn't respond right away. Her eyes were narrowed in thought.

"It was either that or the brig. I was on the verge of losing my temper with the admiral and after weeks of holding it in, it was going to be a tirade to end all tirades." Kirk rubbed his forehead. "I was facing sanction, Areel. I have no doubts about that."

She pulled the padd back.

Kirk said, "Any more?"

"Mostly circumstantial items. And some records of how often you communicate late at night."

"Running a ship is a 24 hour business."

"I know that. But one of your late night communications officers remembers your conversations as a bit less than professional."

"I get a bit punchy when I'm tired. Teasing my First is how I relax."

"We need an extension, Jim. Can you talk to Commodore Ramos. Right now?"

Kirk stood and took out his communicator. He felt like he moved in a dream. Ramos was more than willing. He sounded relieved. Kirk joked with him a bit and signed off.

"That was easier than expected." Areel flipped open one of her comm devices. "Which is a bad sign given that Ramos likes you. I need to find someone who can certify that your memory isn't altered."

"You really think that's necessary?"

"We have to be prepared, Jim. If they make the suggestion and we immediately counter with proof, the suggestion can be neutralized and your self-testimony with the truth tester bears weight again." She opened a channel to her computer assistant and assigned it the task of finding someone.

Devices down, but still all business, Areel said, "I'd like to talk to you and your officer at the same time, if possible."

Kirk nodded. He still had his communicator in his hand. He didn't flip it open. "Is there any chance you can hold off on showing Spock those images? He's somewhat reserved."

"Jim, those are not the photos of someone who is reserved. But I will if you prefer it. It's not going to help, long term."

Ensign Rail answered when Kirk hailed the ship. He was likely the source of the testimony about he and Spock communicating, since he was on duty most gamma shifts. "Connect me to Mr. Spock, Ensign."

When Spock answered, Kirk tried not to think about how what he said might sound out of context, "You're needed here for a meeting. Can you get away right now?"

Spock arrived minutes later. He took in Kirk's grim posture with a long glance, then turned to Areel.

"Have a seat, Commander, please," Areel said.

Spock took the chair opposite Kirk and sat with his arms at his sides, hands in his lap.

Areel said, "I have some questions, but first it occurs to me that maybe you would know of someone we can use, a mind healer or such. Since Jim pulled that little stunt with revealing he can pass a truth test, I want to have him certified as never having had his memory altered by you. I know that's pretty broad but-"

"Such certification will not be possible," Spock said.

Kirk glared, stunned. "What?" he finally managed to say.

Spock said, "I have manipulated the Captain's memory."

Kirk stood up, fists pressed onto the table top. "I was defending you-"

Areel waved Kirk back. "Does this alteration involve this case?"

"No. It was half a year ago or so."

Areel scribbled with her stylus. "You have to be the worst client I have ever dealt with, Jim."

Kirk's voice came out whip-sharp. "That's a surprisingly vague time frame coming from you, Spock."

Spock nodded acknowledgement of this. "The alteration was done somewhat at Doctor McCoy's suggestion."

Kirk sat down, he felt himself expanding inside his own skin, compressed by it. "I'm not sure that helps."

Spock went on, "But nevertheless, my actions on Planet Amerind necessary to recover you from your Kirok persona would also likely qualify as alteration."

"All right," Areel said. "Jim. Fists off the table. I'm trying to get you off from one minor offense. I would like to do so without getting your executive officer hauled before a courts martial for a major one. So drop it."

She stood up and leaned on the table between them. "I have to ask this because we are not having any surprises during a hearing. Mr. Spock, are you familiar with the Starfleet manual definition of inappropriate sexual interaction?"

"Yes."

"Have you and Captain James T. Kirk ever engaged in anything in violation of that?"

"No."

Areel turned to Kirk. "Jim?"

"No."

She slid back to her seat. "That's the first thing that's gone right this entire meeting. I suppose with random chance something had to."

She took a deep breath. "Just to double check, Mr. Spock, it isn't possible to get the video logs from the Enterprise gym from Stardate 3902.35?"

"No, they have been erased."

"Too bad. Jim thinks a bit of context would help your case."

"Because it would." Kirk said. To Spock he said, "Selective frame-grab off the feed." He leaned forward. "You know, I can't see Diamond doing this. That leaves Farragut." At the moment, no one seemed to be on his side.

"What's she have against you?" Areel asked.

"I don't know. I hadn't met her before the Admiral was assigned."

Areel stared at him a long moment. "You're certain?"

"YES."

The meeting wrapped up finally. Kirk's stomach growled. "You want dinner, Areel?"

"I have to work. And I think you and your officer have some things to clarify. I'm ordering you to get them clarified. We will not have a clash of personalities in front of your peers who get to rate the show at the end of it. Understood? United front."

Outside the Advocate General's office, Kirk said to Spock, "I'd like to stay on base to get something to eat."

Spock said, "I'm not sure that is wise, together, in any event."

"I feel like doing so in defiance of what is safe to do, Mr. Spock." He peered down the long corridor leading away from the command pod. "Is Farragut still on board the Enterprise?"

"No sir. She was transferred baseside end of shift. But I do not think it wise to speak to her before the hearing."

Kirk contemplated pointing out that Spock's advice wasn't exactly trustworthy right now, but he didn't. It wouldn't hurt the Vulcan badly enough for starters.

"You and I need to talk."

Kirk walked away. Spock caught up and the two of them walked in silence to where the ship was docked.

On board, Kirk sat heavily behind his desk and paged Rand to bring dinner to his quarters.

"You gave me a vague date so that I can't figure it out." Kirk's anger was banked, transformed into alarm and hurt.

Spock nodded.

Kirk almost swore at him, but he rubbed his face instead and composed his thoughts. He felt under siege from all sides and had to rethink too much at once.

Rand came in with trays, put them down, glanced between them, exited.

Kirk wasn't very hungry. He dropped the tray cover back over the plate. He rocked back in his chair and studied Spock, who had the decency to appear humble with shoulders curved forward.

Kirk was all command. "I want to know what you changed in my memory."

"Captain, this is not an optimum time to be saddled with those emotions."

"You're messing with my emotions? You think I have too many? Of course you do." He sat back again, not even aware of sitting forward. "By the way, that was a command, Mr. Spock."

"May I respectfully request that you consult with Doctor McCoy on the wisdom of doing so now, rather than after the hearing. I strongly suggest it wait until then."

Kirk breathed in and out a few times, too fast, he could feel it. "I feel like if I threaten you with court martial, you are still not going to tell me."

Spock hesitated. He tilted his head. "I will face that rather than put your career at risk with such a distraction at this time."

"And you know it's a bluff, because if I court martial you for that, my hearing is also done for."

"I was not actually thinking of that, Jim."

"You're worried about letting me remember something from six months ago. What about how much you are undermining me right now?"

"I am having difficulty balancing those two competing problems. I feel however in the first case, that most of the damage has already been done."

"No, it's not. Why did you do it?"

Spock's face became serene, which Kirk suspected was an additional layer of control. "It was a moment of weakness."

"That must be a first. I hope it's a first."

Spock nodded with a remote expression. "It is."

Spock looked down at his hands. He was slow to speak, as if the words had to be dragged up from somewhere deep. "I could not bear the emotional pain you were in. The guilt."

When Kirk didn't reply for a long time. Spock raised his eyes in question.

"I messed up?" Kirk said.

"In a sense. You gave into your passions and destroyed something you cared deeply for. The consequences were limited. It wasn't a career changing event. Just a personal one."

Kirk worked his mouth and rocked his head to the side. "Don't do it again."

"I will not. I have almost admitted it to you several times, but there seemed to be no upside to doing so. I would lose your trust in me and you would have nothing to gain but emotional pain."

"Logical to keep it to yourself then." This came out half mocking.

"Indeed. And your scorn is well placed."

"It's more anger than scorn, Spock. You took something away from me then and you are taking something away from me now."

Spock didn't reply. He stared at his clasped hands.

"Okay," Kirk said. "We've been through too much together and this can't create friction right now. We don't have the luxury of it."

Spock didn't respond.

"I'm not ready to forgive you for the breach of trust, but I'm ready to overlook it. I overlook a lot of things on this ship, for most all of the crew but you since you usually don't need it. This is what I'm overlooking for you. This moment of weakness. Seems only fair to you to get your share of consideration from the captain."

Spock sat straight with apparent reluctance. "Yes, sir."

"Areel might want to have another meeting tomorrow afternoon after she does some research. Make yourself available."

Spock nodded.

Kirk waited, watching him. Spock didn't move. Kirk flattened his voice. "You're dismissed," he said.

When the door swished closed, Kirk tilted his head back.

"Damn," he said to the empty room.


	14. I'll Meet You Halfway, Give Me a Map

"You need a break, Jim," McCoy said. He'd stopped by Kirk's quarters around the time alpha shift would have started were they not docked. "There's some pretty walks, some little bars. Come planetside. You need it."

Kirk continued to review the crew manual sections on fraternization and improper interactions. He could hear Admiral Diamond reading it out loud in his head.

"Jim. Yoo hoo?" McCoy pointedly pulled over a chair with a loud rasp.

"Not right now, Bones."

"Jim, what's going on?"

Kirk looked up at him, looked back at the monitor again.

"What the heck happened here?"

"Things are not looking good, Bones, and I'm finding out my best friends aren't really. Including you."

"Whoa there, Jim." He stood up and bent behind Kirk at his desk and pulled out the brandy. "We aren't having a conversation like this unless one or both of us is drunk."

"Don't bother talking. I need to drop it for now." Kirk rubbed his forehead. "I need to forget, is what I need to do, but I can't seem to."

Bones held up the bottle to the light. "Drop what? I don't even know what we're talkin' about. Last I saw you, you were meeting with that lovely lawyer friend of yours and next thing I know you are the saddest sad sack I've seen in a dog's age. At least when we were carting Diamond around, you were putting up a fight."

Bones toasted Kirk and drank half a shot. He poured one for Kirk and pushed it to him.

"Jim. I'm ordering you to drink that."

Kirk had a long moment where he contemplated violence. He rubbed his knuckles over his lips.

"Jim, what the hell is going on?"

Kirk put on a fake smile and took the glass. "Nothing I can't deal with. Cheers."

The comm whistled. Uhura's voice came through, "Captain, Ambassador Sarek requests that you spend an hour or two at the Orion Summit, if you can spare the time."

McCoy said, "Well, that fits in perfectly with my ordering you to take a break from this ship. And that IS an direct order, Captain, Sir."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

A bundle of taut muscle and sore spirit, Kirk wandered the sea-green grounds and greeted the participants he recognized from the ship. The journey here felt like a month ago. McCoy had found the bar immediately upon arrival and settled in with like-minded participants. He had tried to stall Kirk's departure, but Kirk couldn't possibly sit still. Besides, if he hung out with McCoy and drank anything, he'd likely tell the doctor exactly what was on his mind, and later regret it.

He eventually found the ambassador with Sunap in tow, but sans Spock, which Kirk had not expected.

"Captain Kirk, I am pleased that you could join us."

"Ambassador."

Kirk joined a formal discussion about defense of far flung colony worlds, grateful for a chance to forget his own troubles. Two members of the press picked up the slack when the participants ran out of questions. By the end Kirk and the two of them exchanged questions and analysis across the heads of the participants.

The discussion ran overtime but finally broke up and Kirk stalled returning to the ship. He followed a path along a rise between rows of young, yellow-barked trees. He heard fabric blowing in the wind behind him and turned to find Sunap following him.

Kirk waited for the youth to catch up.

Sunap glanced behind him and came to a stop before Kirk. His poise for his age was admirable.

"Cousin James Kirk. May I seek your advice?"

Kirk assumed the odd greeting was Sunap's way of apologizing with something lost in translation.

"Of course."

Sunap took up a stride to match Kirk's and said, "I have determined you are the best person of which to ask this."

"I hope I can help, in that case."

"I am having difficulties in communication. Or perhaps not in communication. I do not know where the failing is precisely. I am communicating clearly. But I am experiencing a difficulty with Doba regarding the need for an expression of future or even short-term intentions . . . " He trailed off. "I am expressing myself inadequately."

Kirk wanted to smile, but held back. "Let me guess. If I may be so bold? Doba is hoping for some kind of expression of your commitment to continuing a relationship, before the two of you separate. And you may have been given an ultimatum on this point-"

"I feel I have," Sunap said. "I do not like it."

"Right. Not surprising you don't. You have pride from here to Centari, why should you give into demands like that? But on the other hand, you have something to lose by standing by your own pride, but you aren't sure what it is precisely, just that you might lose it."

Sunap stopped. "How is it that you know this?"

"Your situation's a lot more typical than you realize."

Sunap said, "I will not make an expression out of my thoughts if I am pressured into doing so. I perhaps should simply say that and see what results. I will not bend for this."

Kirk said, "You give in, you might just have to give in more. Why start down that path? But on the other hand, if you never meet anyone halfway, you could end up alone."

They had reached a copse of leaning flowering trees. Kirk said, "In summary, you insist she shouldn't require reassurance, and it isn't logical to give it, correct?"

He had Sunap's full attention.

Kirk went on, "What would you do if you were standing on that dock out there with a flotation device in your hand and someone were drowning nearby?"

Sunap's brows shifted to derisive. "This is an inane question. I would throw the flotation device to this person."

"Of course you would. Now, what if it isn't a stranger, it is Doba, and what if it's not water but emotion she is drowning in?"

Sunap stared at him while he thought that over. When he spoke he sounded impatient. "You had a suggestion."

"I do." Kirk started walking again. "First off, you should only do something you are comfortable doing. Otherwise you aren't being true to yourself which ultimately means you aren't being true to any kind of future with or without her. But if you are clever about it, you can solve your problem. Do you have something meaningful with you that you are willing to part with?"

Sunap reached into his pocket and pulled out a case which he opened. Inside were a few palm sized sensors and a pen phaser.

"You had that on my ship?" Kirk said of the phaser.

"It is precisely zero point one milliamp weaker than the allowed maximum for passengers."

"I should have known. What do you use it for?"

"I cut samples with it."

"Ever carve with it?" Kirk began looking around at the ground.

"At times of great boredom."

Kirk picked up a piece of white, gray and pink granite that sparkled even in the cloudy light. "Here, carve that into an IDIC. You can manage that, right?"

Sunap weighed the stone in his hand. "Easily."

"Explain what the symbol means and give it to her."

"But it won't mean anything to her."

"It will. Because it means something to you." Kirk resisted smiling when he added, "Trust me."

"I have no choice. I am outside my expertise."

Sunap departed through the trees just before the summit participants came back into view on the return walk. Kirk walked on alone, buffeted by the breeze.

Spock was standing beside his father near a check-in table. Seeing him there, Kirk found he had talked himself out of the worst of his hurt anger. He approached feeling not quite himself, but not nearly as undermined as he had been.

"Afternoon, Mr. Spock."

"Captain."

The summit was busier than before. Small clumps of press were recording the various proceedings. Kirk spotted Sangelica, holding court before two hovercams and a handful of badged press. She looked naturally suited to the job of PR, confident and lovely. She smiled in his direction between questions.

Sarek said, "The politics surrounding colony issues are more prominent this year. Which is both positive and negative. The transparency is welcome, the increased divisiveness is less so."

While Sarek's attention was on some louder activity near the gates, Spock turned to Kirk with a hint of question in his gaze. Kirk gave him a head-tilt and looked away. He wasn't ready to let him off the hook yet.

A group of press people went by, their hovercams following them with status lights off. They were arguing among themselves about the definition of 'colony' and 'world'.

Kirk watched them as they rounded a bend. He was getting an idea.

Kirk gestured that Spock should stay put and retreated to an open space well away from events and well away from Vulcan hearing. He dialed in Areel's private transmitter code.

"Areel, I have an idea I want to try on you. Admiral Diamond thinks we're running scared."

"Aren't we?"

"Probably." Kirk rotated, put his back to the stiff wind coming off the narrow bay. "But I want to be on the offensive for once. What if we request a public fact finding hearing to commence before the actual hearing?"

"Jim, did you hit yourself on the head? That's a terrible idea."

"No, I don't think it is. Our entire vulnerability is tied to the fact that we are the ones who don't want anything revealed."

"Correct Jim. And that remains true."

"You're not catching on. I want to put Diamond on the defensive. We don't have to lose control of all information. Just most of it."

"Jim, you didn't even want to show those photos to your own officer."

"We don't have to publish them. I want to open up the process. I want to take reality and use it to shove Diamond back on his heels. The man exists entirely in a bubble. That's his weak point, Areel. We're trying to fight him inside his own bubble where we cannot win."

The other end of the connection went silent.

"I don't know, Jim. This is sort of crazy, but crazy in a way that might give us an edge. We certainly could use one. But you have to be prepared for the consequences and they could be significant. Can you be? Can your 'reserved' officer be?"

"Right now I think Spock would follow me through a force five ion storm. So yes, I think we can be."

"I'll see what I can arrange. If you are going to crash and burn, might as well do it in style."

"That doesn't sound like you at all."

"It's not like me. I hope it's like you, because otherwise we're both lost, Jim dear."

Kirk walked back through the heart of the Orion Summit. Spock watched him approach over a rise from the gazebo where he had followed his father. Kirk's gaze scanned the grounds, searching.

"I sense that things are difficult, Spock," Sarek said.

"They are unexpectedly so. But perhaps they are improving on one front." Spock nodded out over the grounds. "The captain has that look on his face."

"Which look is that?"

"The one he has right before he puts me into check when I do not expect it and he knows I do not expect it. Or the one he gets right after the Klingon warship's shields fail. It is the same look in both cases."

Kirk caught sight of him there and tilted his head.

"I will rejoin you if I have the opportunity, Father."

Kirk slowed to let Spock fall into step. They wound through the grounds a kilometer or so and came to a halt at the base of an artificial rockfall where the trail came to an abrupt end.

Kirk said, "Areel thinks I'm crazy, but she didn't drop me as a client, so we still have a chance. You also are going to think I've lost my senses. But the more I think about it, the more I'm certain this is the only way to get an advantage over Diamond."

"And that is?"

"To hold a public hearing the day before the closed one."

Spock's brows rose. "I do not see the advantage in that, Captain."

"It's there, Spock. Trust me. We're boxed in right now and we'll lose if we stay here, or at best be badly bruised surviving." Kirk sighed. "I admit, I wouldn't have considered this had we not had that little revelation yesterday. I feel a bit more willing to drag you through the mud as a result."

"I will survive."

"You haven't seen the photos."

"I can recreate them well enough from available data." He bowed his head. "Nevertheless."

"You're certain? What about your family?"

"They will survive also. Perhaps better than you realize."

Kirk huffed out the breath he'd been holding. "Well, that's it then. If we accept the worst that can happen, we can take the advantage." Kirk started to pat him on the arm, then pulled back. "You in a state of high emotional control?"

"Indeed."

Kirk put his hands behind his back and locked one hand around his other wrist to keep them there.

"Thank you, Captain."

"Don't mention it."


	15. A Bitter Drink to Swallow

Kirk sat in the base officers' lounge holding a drink long-ago warmed by his hand. He had come here as an experiment. He fielded the jocular comments, the wagging of eyebrows, the acute disappointment, the estimations of the physical dimensions of the ensign likely involved. He had wandered the jungle of his colleagues' insinuations, and emerged into the sunlight as they bored with toying with him and moved on to their own concerns.

That was, until Rand stepped in and held out her padd.

There were a few hoots and a low whistle. They were quieter than expected. Rand's eyes gained an intensely annoyed edge.

Kirk let go of his drink and sat forward. In a tone of introduction, he said, "Yes, gentlemen, ladies, and others. My yeoman."

The padd was blank except for a set of coordinates on-base and a time noted about an hour hence.

"A meeting has been requested with you, Captain."

Kirk puzzled that while pretending to look over an imaginary report. "Farragut?" he mouthed.

Rand nodded.

"I'll be on the Enterprise in conference room 2 at that time. In case anyone needs to talk to me."

"Are you certain, Captain? Is that-"

"I'm certain I was clear, Yeoman."

"Yes, sir."

Ten minutes later, Spock entered the lounge. A few heads turned and looked away. There were no noises of any kind. Kirk grinned at the irony, then dropped the smile as the sting of misplaced trust hit him.

Kirk put on his fake smile and said, "Have a seat. Then have a galaxy blaster, Commander, I think you'd like it."

Spock remained as he was. "Do you think it wise, Captain?"

Kirk shook his head. "I'm not sure which of the things I just mentioned you are referring to."

"None of them."

Kirk pulled the other chair at his table over next to his own. "Have seat then."

Spock complied with an expression of long-suffering. "May I inquire how much you have imbibed?"

Kirk tilted his warm, nearly full drink. He made a face of evaluating for show. "None." He sat back and dropped his voice. "I'm trying to get accustomed to the idea of public exposure."

"As to the other topic, Captain. If it is revealed at the hearing that you attended said meeting, it puts us in a bad position."

"You are starting to sound like Areel Shaw, Spock." He longed to add, except I trust Areel Shaw, but he didn't. He needed to shake this or they were both doomed. He sipped his drink, it tasted exactly the way spilled nacelle coolant smelled.

Kirk said, "I want to talk to her." He sipped again. "I'll cop to having done so if need be. Talking to her is logical, Spock."

"Do you wish me to attend this meeting?"

Kirk took another sip. "No."

There was a long silence.

Spock said, "Am I dismissed, Captain?"

That hit the same place in his stomach where the bad drink was settling.

"Yes."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

Kirk was in conference room 2 five minutes before the hour. Farragut buzzed and Kirk hit the door trigger almost immediately.

"Bold meeting here, Captain," she said.

"Skeleton crew. Ship's as empty as she ever is. Sit down."

Farragut hesitated, then moved in a rush as if her courage might fail her. The pixie cut to her mousy hair looked freshly trimmed. She had changed into the base version of her uniform, with administrative styling that had a starburst on the breast. He hadn't seen her in that uniform before, but it now occurred to him this must be her usual one. It would make her seem sympathetic to others who wore the same, which would be half of those seated for the disciplinary hearing.

Kirk sat on the edge of the table and looked at his nails. "Tell me about yourself, Lieutenant."

"I'm a fleet brat. Always have been." She gazed fiercely at him, then looked away coyly.

Kirk put on a kindly tone. "You don't have to let others define you."

"I don't."

"At the moment, you're letting Admiral Diamond define you."

"He IS my superior, sir."

"That's a different thing."

This caught her off-guard. She grew interested. "Is it?"

"Yes, very much so."

She peered at him through narrowed eyes. "If your father had been famous, do you think you would be here now?"

Kirk pretended this question was expected and said, "I got a boost up from some influential people when I entered the academy. That was quite a bit of pressure. Not to the scale you are referring to, but an inkling of it. The ongoing sense that you aren't performing for yourself, but for someone else."

"Like a trained monkey."

"I wouldn't have put it that way."

Silence fell. She broke it by saying, "Don't you want to know what happened, Captain?"

"I know what happened," Kirk said.

He leaned down, tilted his head. "Why are you here, Farragut? Admiral Diamond or Commodore Ramos have considerably more power than I do."

"Do they?" She leaned forward eagerly, eyes locking on his. "I've read every mission log you've ever recorded, sir. This is child's play to you. What you did, asking Commodore Ramos to call this earlier hearing and luring the press with sordid tales to be sure they show up. It makes absolutely no sense. That's why I'm certain you're going to win."

"It's not a given. All I've done is created an environment where I have a fighting chance. I still have to perform and perform well."

"Like a monkey. But you are good at that." She sat back with a satisfied smirk, but her eyes never lost their weapon's lock on Kirk's.

"I'd prefer to be spending my time doing my job. You did a lot of damage, Lieutenant."

"It wasn't really me. He would have pursued it anyway. Found something else. He couldn't bear the idea that you could be what you seemed to be, Captain. It pained him somehow, that perfection you have. I gave him what he requested and saved time."

Kirk intentionally relaxed, sending a signal counter to his words. "Did you like that little bit of power yourself?"

She shrugged. "If you won't tell anyone . . . I will tell you what I liked."

"Lieutenant, we aren't even supposed to be having this meeting. For all I know this is part of some other trap you're setting."

She sat straighter. "You think that highly of my abilities?"

"You've caught me off guard once already. I can't discount it."

"Well, in that case. You know what I liked? Really liked?"

She waited, but Kirk didn't move. She said with relish, "I liked watching the hero he thought you were . . . die."

She smiled and sat back with a satisfied sigh. "It was crazy. He asked for proof. I gave it to him. Then he didn't seem to really want it. You know what I mean? It was as if he wanted so badly to believe he put it all at risk so he could believe even more. But then he got what he asked for." She put out her bottom lip as if sad for the admiral.

Kirk nodded, for no other reason than to do something.

She went on, "It really devastated him. Especially because it was the Vulcan. It just squicked him"

"He's spent the entire journey talking with Ambassador Sarek. I don't think he has an issue with Vulcans."

"The Ambassador's not in Starfleet, and he has power the admiral can get into. It's always just about that, you know, deep down. This other thing tapped into something primal but the admiral's a strong guy, he took all that energy and directed it at taking you down. It was fun to watch. Especially since you are still going to win."

She fell thoughtful. "Are you still going to call me up at the hearing?"

Kirk shook his head. "I don't think so."

"Really?" She smiled a smile full of teeth. "Why not?"

"You are like an out of balance warp core. I don't know what you are going to do next."

"Oh, is that all?"

"That's sufficient."

"See, you even talk like a Vulcan. I actually might be disappointed that you aren't calling me up. I lie really well. But the truth tester catches me some of the time." She dropped her gaze and looked at him through her eyelashes. "Not like you, sir. Who has no trouble with it at all."

"That's because I'm telling the truth."

"As you understand it." She smiled distantly, she seemed to be having a grand time getting an audience. "Vulcans used to be dangerous. Imagine if they secretly decided to be dangerous again. How long would it take to figure it out?"

"Considering many humans are still suspicious of them, probably not very long."

"Maybe a good thing, those suspicious ones. We give them such a hard time for it, too."

Kirk put his knuckle to his lips and looked off through the bulkhead to recover from her gaze.

She said, "You know, you and the Vulcan are weirdly close. Especially for a Vulcan with their minds of steel. It didn't take much. One photo. Some really badly munged data off a botany sensor. You know, when you come up with evidence, it's better if there is something wrong with it. People trust good honest crappy evidence more than good honest quality evidence."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"But really, how did you get that close to a Vulcan of all things? I've observed a lot of command relationships. They can be pretty brotherly love. You know, save a few lives here and there, experience some unholy alien terror together. But this one is off the scale. Like you crawled into his head and didn't leave."

She turned her drilling gaze aside finally. "I was hoping to see him snap someone's neck if someone threatened you. But alas. You have him on a short leash."

Kirk sat back, thinking.

"You keep not reacting."

"I don't need to," Kirk said, throwing out a random truth like tossing chum in the water. "I'm just here to listen."

"You're trying to figure out what to do with me."

Kirk sounded bored. "Actually no. You aren't my problem. I'm thinking about the hearing. But now that you mention it, it occurs to me that Admiral Diamond gave up information he didn't mean to."

"What's that?"

"He accused me of having a sealed sociopathy profile. But I think you're the one."

"Of course it's sealed."

Kirk nodded. He glanced around, put his hands on the table on either side of himself as if to push off and stand straight. "Anything else you want to talk about?"

"That's it?" She sounded mystified. "You aren't angry?"

"If your reasons for your actions are that you function differently from most personnel I surround myself with, then that isn't actually very interesting."

Her gaze held his, unwavering. "That's a very interesting way to put it."

Kirk tried to match her unnerving stare through his entire speech. "I suspect you are tired of where you are right now. Otherwise you'd be more careful talking to me, or perhaps you've been holding back too hard to keep Diamond fooled and had to cut loose. But I'm afraid you'll have to repeat this performance for the Admiral sometime when its convenient for you. I'm not going to play."

She smiled crookedly and stood up. "I knew you were the best, sir."

Kirk stood straight. "So people tell me."

"Do you believe them?"

"Not really."

"People told me that, I'd believe them. That's the biggest difference between you and me."

"I imagine that it is."

\--)96----------)%(----------96(--

Spock was waiting in Areel's office. He rose as Kirk entered and stood at stiffened ease, ready to move if commanded.

"We're not calling her up for questions," Kirk said.

"Jim," Areel said, "Why not?"

"We're simply not. I don't want you questioning her on the record."

"What if someone else does, can I cross-examine?"

"No."

"Jim, as your lawyer-"

"No. You're working for me and I get final say."

Areel shook her head and dropped into the chair at her work table.

Spock said, "Any orders, Captain?"

Kirk shook his head. "I should send a message to Commodore Stone telling him he can send me admirals anytime, but if he's going to send me a Farragut, he better attach a warning."

Spock's left brow rose, but he didn't ask more.


	16. Life Wouldn't Be the Same Without Trials

The seating area behind the rail was surprisingly quiet for how full it was. Commodore Ramos pinned Kirk with the same curious and anticipatory look the press wore. He opened the hearing with a bang of his gavel.

Kirk exuded confidence from his seat on the panel between Admiral Diamond and Yeoman Rand. Spock sat beside Areel Shaw at the table in the council area along with Wong, the ship's personnel officer. A truth tester was slid along the panel table and everyone identified themselves. Beyond Ramos sat the base records and protocol officers.

Ramos spread his hands as he spoke. "This is an informational hearing in preparation for a disciplinary hearing that is scheduled tomorrow. That hearing is closed," he added pointedly, glaring at the back of the room where press were kneeling in the aisles.

Diamond turned to Kirk, gaze studious. One way or the other, this would be over with today, and at the moment, that was enough to propel Kirk forward with confidence.

Diamond reached over and pressed and held the privacy button on Kirk's mic stand.

"Your bed, Kirk, time to lie in it."

Unlike Diamond, Kirk touched his nose with his knuckle to shield his lips as he replied. Sound cancellation wouldn't stop anyone reading lips. "I'm comfortable here. How are you, Admiral?"

Areel pushed to her feet and came around the table to stand before Diamond.

"Admiral, you were posted to the USS Enterprise, correct?"

"That's established fact, Lt. Shaw."

"I'm making sure we are all on the same page, Admiral. Why were you posted to the Enterprise?"

"It is the flagship of the fleet."

Areel looked to Kirk, who explained, "Even though we use that term still, it is merely an honorific. It no longer holds the same meaning it did in old earth navies. You could have been posted to any ship."

"Commodore Stone suggested the Enterprise."

Areel said, "What I am getting at is, there wasn't a particular problem Starfleet Command was addressing by posting you to the Enterprise, correct?"

"No. No particular problem. That we knew of."

Kirk watched her resist slapping him down for going beyond the question, but she couldn't in this venue.

"All ships have some problems, correct?" Areel said loftily.

"Yes. I expect they do," Diamond replied. "It would have to be run by machines rather than beings to avoid problems."

"Even then," Areel said. "Even then, there would be issues. Machines are not flawless. But back to the topic at hand. When you first arrived on the Enterprise, did you find any problems?"

"Not really."

Kirk turned. He'd heard nothing but criticism from the very first day Diamond was on board.

"There were minor details. Minor inefficiencies. All in all, a ship with good morale and relatively good discipline."

Areel said, "Do you wish to say something, Captain Kirk?"

"I didn't get the impression, Admiral, that you were pleased with anything on my ship."

There was a tittering from somewhere in the room.

"I wasn't there to be your friend, Kirk. I was there to review."

Kirk breathed in slowly. "There is such a thing as feedback, sir. Absent emotional implication."

They stared each other down. Diamond looked away first. A few members of the press were smiling faintly in amusement.

"Are you going to ask me about later in my visit to the Enterprise?" Diamond said to Areel.

Kirk drew in his lips, hoping the admiral continued to believe he needed to wait for a question to speak his mind.

Areel said reassuringly. "We'll get to that, Admiral. I have a few more facts to establish."

"I fail to understand why Kirk's council is asking the questions." Diamond directed this at Ramos.

"I can do so instead, if you prefer," the commodore said. "So far she is asking the same things I would."

"I would prefer you run the hearing, Commodore."

Areel took her seat beside Spock, who glowed in his shiny dress blues.

Ramos said, "Admiral, when you requested I organize a disciplinary hearing, you brought evidence to me obtained from the ship's computer, correct?"

Diamond's face took on a satisfied edge. "That's correct."

"Did you personally obtain this, or did your assistant?"

"My assistant did."

Ramos went on, "Of the two most damning sources, one was classified as research data, which is fine, but the other was recorded in a private area of the ship for which only command authorization would allow access. I'm curious, did you allow your assistant to utilize your authorization? How much oversight did you provide for this process?"

Diamond gave Kirk a sharp glare. Kirk shrugged. He didn't expect this from Ramos.

"See," Ramos said, "You should have let Captain Kirk's council continue with the questions."

Diamond said, "The gym isn't generally a private area on this class of vessel."

Kirk said, "It is on the Enterprise."

"How was I to know that?"

"You don't need to know that." Kirk put up a hand to forestall Spock standing up, which he looked ready to do. Kirk went on, "The computer knows it. That's why the question of the level of authorization was raised."

Diamond looked around the crowd as if seeking a particular face, then composed himself. "It can be a problem with assistants with which one works closely, trying to keep tabs on authentication and who is using what."

Kirk reached over for Diamond's privacy button, covered the side of his mouth and said, "Especially when your assistant has a sealed sociopathy profile. Let me guess, that name has so much influence that she keeps slipping through the cracks."

An inkling of doubt appeared at the corners of Diamond's eyes. Kirk sat back.

Diamond spoke so the entire room could hear, "That's not the only piece of evidence. And I do have eyes. Captain."

Casually, Kirk said, "No, it's not. But we did need to know the details. We're trying to figure out what happened."

A few reporters were whispering to each other. None of the photos had leaked. It made Kirk's stomach flip to imagine it.

"I'm not the one under investigation, Kirk," Diamond snapped.

"But you do have information," Kirk said.

Ramos said, "Lt. Shaw, would you like to continue?"

Admiral Diamond said, "I think the Captain should answer a few of my questions."

Kirk gestured, palm up, that he should go ahead.

Diamond hesitated, but when he spoke it was forceful. "You are a young captain, Kirk."

"True."

"You don't have the full years of experience your peers would have."

Kirk made a thoughtful face and nodded. "Youth generally coincides with less experience, yes. I have three years and two months experience as a captain, Admiral."

"You treat your senior officers, especially your executive officer, with surprising laxity. I believe that is a symptom of your inexperience."

"My senior officers are each captains of their own departments. If I interfere, rather than lead and support them, we end up with the situation you and I were faced with." Kirk leaned closer to his mic. "That's not a ship I'd want to serve on for five years."

Diamond struggled again to find words. Kirk imagined him working out how to say what he really wanted to, in a way that wouldn't embarrass Starfleet in full public view. Kirk carefully kept all gloating out of his expression.

Diamond said, "If you are too close to your officers you will be unable to command them impartially. It is a bigger risk than you apprehend."

"You are suggesting, Admiral, that if I am best friends with my XO, that I will not be able to send him into danger?" Kirk turned to the council table. "Ensign Wong, how many times in the last year have I ordered First Officer Spock into a situation with clear potentially fatal consequences?"

Wong stood up. "My review of the records indicates between eight and eleven times, Captain. Some fatal dangers were not apparent at the beginning of the mission that were apparent later, and I did not know how to properly account for that." She sat back down.

Diamond looked Kirk over, brows together. "How can you do that? How can you send a lo- your best friend to his death?"

"I have an entire ship I'm responsible for, Admiral. I frequently have other lives in the balance as well. I must use my most appropriate personnel if the mission or other lives are on the line."

Diamond sat straighter, adjusted himself in his seat. "Nevertheless, there are other forms of bias, favoritism for example, that can damage working relationships across the entire crew."

Kirk turned to his right. "Yeoman Rand, I know from experience that you are an impartial critic of my managerial style." As a few chuckles rounded the room, Kirk waved for the truth teller to be slid down the table. He pushed it to rest beside her hand. "With the computer determining the veracity of your statements, Yeoman, answer a few questions if you will."

Rand placed one elegant hand over the light.

Kirk said, "Have you ever observed me favoring one crewmember over another when making command decisions?"

"No sir."

"That's opinion," Diamond said. "Not facts. How about we ask a real question? In the course of your duties, Rand, have you ever observed Captain Kirk doing anything improper?"

Rand glanced at Kirk.

"Answer the question, Rand," Diamond said impatiently.

"Well, the captain does sometimes sneak a dessert even when it is not on his meal card."

There were chuckles from beyond the rail.

Rand added to Kirk, "I'm sure you think you are getting away with it, sir."

"This is ridiculous," Diamond said. "That can't be the only improper thing, Yeoman."

"Absent the bad aftereffects of a transporter accident, yes, it is."

The device chimed that this was true.

Kirk said, "You've questioned my yeoman at length already, Admiral."

"Not with that device available."

Kirk said, "Yeoman, the other day you asked me what you should say to the admiral when questioned, and what did I tell you?"

"You told me I should tell him what I know. That I have no reason to lie."

The device chimed.

Diamond sent a look of suspicion at Spock. Kirk sat forward in a vain effort to get into the admiral's field of view. Questions about Spock's use of his telepathy would sink them, utterly.

Kirk said, "Admiral, may I ask why you are trying so hard to find something you can sanction? Every ship, whether it's referred to as a flagship or not, is going to have issues. Dig hard enough and you will find all kinds of things. What matters is how that ship performs. Every intelligent species in this galaxy is flawed. When we work in a group we can accomplish great things, but those flaws are still there. Yes, processes and rules protect us from many of those flaws. But whether a ship follows them to the letter isn't how you measure success."

Kirk pointed at his own palm. "It's whether the spirit of doing the right thing pervades the culture of that ship."

Diamond had crossed his arms through this speech. "You've lost perspective, Kirk. Three years in deep space will do that to you. What are you holding up to measure this 'culture' with? Adherence to rules we can measure is what counts, so we know how that ship is doing, not relative to some warped ideal it has about itself, but relative to absolute metrics, which are much more resilient."

Kirk leaned forward to look down the table at Ramos with an expression of 'I told you so.'

Kirk sat back and tried again, "I'm not suggesting we throw the rule book out."

"Are you sure you aren't? Or only for you when it suits you?"

Kirk became sharp. "You said yourself that discipline and morale were good when you arrived on board. I repeat my question. Why are you trying so hard to find something?"

"I wasn't 'trying so hard,' Captain."

Kirk pulled the truth teller out from under Rand's hand and pushed it to the Admiral.

Diamond kept his arms crossed. "I'm not the one under investigation, Kirk. And the whys don't matter."

Kirk said, "Given that you will always find problems if you look long enough, I submit that the whys matter a great deal."

Diamond leaned forward and poked at the table. "What matters is what I observed."

You raise; I call and raise. "What did you observe?" Kirk asked.

The area beyond the rail quieted.

Diamond put his hand down on the light of the truth teller. "I observed you in an improper relationship with one of your officers."

The device chimed.

Kirk paused, staring him down. "Are you one hundred percent certain?"

Diamond glanced down at his hand. He didn't answer. But he didn't remove his hand.

Kirk stood, went around the table, and stepped down off the dais, approaching Spock, but stopping before he reached the council table.

He turned to the admiral and said, "You know what I believe, Admiral. I believe that your issue isn't with me. It's with my officer."

"That's ridiculous."

The device didn't render a decision on that. Kirk approached the front side of the table, glanced pointedly at the device, then up at the admiral.

Kirk said, "Mr. Spock, approach."

Spock rose and came forward, standing with hands behind his back, brow raised.

Kirk said, "Do you know how that device works, Admiral? The one you have your hand on."

Diamond's hand twitched but stayed put.

Kirk looked over to Ramos. "Can we get a computer readout, Commodore?"

Ramos appeared puzzled but he gestured at the records' officer.

The computer voice stated, "Pulse rate elevated, skin conductivity elevated, stress enzyme productivity elevated."

Diamond removed his hand.

Kirk propped his arm on the high table and muted Diamond's mic. "Classic fear response, Admiral." He let that sink in. "I'm going to roast you alive on this. I don't know what you have against my officer, but it-"

"Captain," Spock said. He stepped to Kirk's other side, facing away from the gallery. "This is unduly divisive."

Kirk started. Spock was derailing his playing his ace. He tilted his head, considered what to say to Spock, or what other tactic he might use.

There was movement by the doors to the hearing room.

Spock said directly in Kirk's ear, "Do not react to what is about to happen."

The crowd shuffled around to make space where there wasn't any and three figures, one with a tall crook, made their way forward.

Kirk released the mic button. He resisted glancing at faces to gauge what was happening and waited beside Spock.

T'Pau and two young male figures in headgear and elaborate robes stepped to the railing. Commodore Ramos stood up. The protocol officer hurried down to swing the railing aside.

"Your presence is an honor," Ramos said.

T'Pau's assistants remained at the rail, standing at attention. T'Pau stopped before Ramos and gave him a nod. She shuffled down the table. Spock raised his hand and greeted her. Kirk mirrored him, using the only Vulcan words he knew. She returned the greeting and took up her crook with both hands to approach closer.

She split the two of them apart as she stepped up to the table before Diamond. Passing each of them, she said in Standard, "Grandson Spock, Son James."

Kirk didn't react, except his arm muscles jumped beneath his uniform.

T'Pau faced the table, elderly gaze dark and piercing.

"Admiral Davut Aslan Diamond, I wish to speak to you."

"Apparently." Diamond interlocked his fingers and placed them before himself on the table.

T'Pau said, "I hear grand words from your Federation, Admiral. Often. Grand words about how there are not really separate peoples in the galaxy, there are just planets and places. Grand words involving communication and understanding. I'm sure you yourself have used these words?"

She tilted her head and glared at him from under her significant eyebrows.

"Yes, I suppose that I have."

"It is a mantra with humans, I have found. One you hope to make true by repeating it. Not by working for it."

"We work for it," Diamond said. "They are explicitly part of Starfleet's mission." He waved to indicate the room and the base beyond. "Contact. Research. Understanding."

"Perhaps you can explain to me how this mission has been lost even between our two nearby worlds of earth and Vulcan? The heart of the Federation."

"I didn't think it had been—"

"We have very little true understanding, Admiral. We have nothing solid to build upon. We have superficialities. And why? Because more than words are required to truly understand."

She turned to look at the room. The press was fully attentive, hovercams hovering.

"Vulcans think humans are weak and cannot truly achieve greatness despite copious evidence of it. Humans believe Vulcans to be soulless and poor allies in a dangerous galaxy. Why do these beliefs persist? Because you are fighting superficial ideas with mere words. They must be overcome with exposure. Direct, close, exposure."

Diamond lost some of the aggressive posture in his shoulders.

T'Pau turned back to Diamond and went on. "Like most humans, you have no understanding of the duel nature of Vulcan life. We are not soulless. We eschew emotion when it will interfere with maintaining a peaceful society. This control exacts a toll upon every individual Vulcan. What humans perceive is only the outward face of that control. They do not see how close Vulcans are within their clans. Vulcans are fiercely protective. Trusting. Caring. And more intimate than you can conceive of with those in their families."

Her voice began to fail. She gathered herself and added, "In truth, these things: trust and care define us. But this is something, of course, you cannot know, because you are not family to a Vulcan."

T'Pau tilted her head and waited for a response.

Diamond said, "I'm not certain why this is relevant."

T'Pau leaned more heavily on her crook. "If that is the case, perhaps this is hopeless." She considered him at length. "You are not looking beyond the superficialities, Admiral Diamond."

She shuffled back to bring Kirk and Spock into a broader circle. "Here before you, you have a rare two who fully conceive of the true depth of both human and Vulcan experience. Even more optimally, they are highly placed within your organization. Instead of utilizing this, you seek to punish it."

"We have rules," Diamond said.

"And wisely so. But you are applying a mistaken understanding to the evidence of your human senses. You cannot grasp that there can be great intimacy without a violation of those rules, because you do not understand the nature of a Vulcan family. You are bringing to bear uninformed assumptions. But if you instead bring to bear your grand words, perhaps you will see things differently."

Diamond took that in while he studied the three of them.

"Captain." Diamond's voice jarred Kirk out of his reverie.

The admiral sounded vulnerable. Kirk thought Farragut might be right: he hadn't willingly watched a hero die.

Diamond cleared his throat. "Is this an accurate assessment of the situation?"

Kirk drew himself up and replied with his best crisp gentleness. "Yes, sir. It is."

Diamond spent a moment looking at each of them. "I'm glad to hear that. Commodore Ramos, we can cancel tomorrow's disciplinary hearing in that case."

"Thank the Great Bird. This informational hearing is also concluded." Ramos banged his gavel and stood up.

Diamond stood with an air of one hoping to flee to somewhere peaceful, but he ran into a wall of questions and hovercams as he arrived at the rail. Ramos came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder and answered the first question for him.

With the help of the protocol officer, Sarek came beyond the railing and greeted T'Pau.

In Standard, he said, "I apologize for the inconvenience, Mother."

"It was a good opportunity to speak, even though words alone only accomplish so much."

"Thank you," Kirk said. "Your assistance was just in time."

She turned to him. "You must visit soon, Son James."

Kirk was proud of how tightly he controlled his reaction. "At the first opportunity."

Sarek said to T'Pau, "You have managed the fallout within the clan?"

"They too needed to be shaken out of their sanguinity. It isn't just the humans who are the problem." Her eyes were still fiery but her back bent more than before. "But I have need to return to my ship."

Her young escorts came forward. Formal farewells were exchanged and T'Pau and her retinue waded through the press scrum without pausing. Sarek got caught up near the door.

The room gradually thinned out. From the safety of the empty hearing room floor, Kirk watched the the admiral and commodore answering questions.

"I take it there isn't a back door?"

"Not that I am aware of."

Kirk turned his back on the crowd and faced Spock. "Explain to me what just happened."

"In order to rectify our relationship according to our clan traditions, T'Pau adopted you."

"That. Is the craziest thing I have ever heard." He stared at Spock and received only a calmly informational expression in return. "How symbolic or real is this?"

"As little or as much as your response indicates."

"I haven't responded." Kirk froze. "Have I responded?"

"You have not."

Kirk rocked back on his heels. "You are going to have to help me with this."

"I shall be pleased to do so."

"I was getting all kinds of strange signals from your father, from Sunap. At least that all makes sense now."

"Indeed."

Kirk glanced over his shoulder to check that the crowd was still at bay. He dropped his voice. "And how are you doing?"

"I am well enough . . ."

"Jim," Kirk finished for him.

Spock nodded. "Jim."

"Brother."

"Cousin."

Kirk made a face. "Uncle. I think."

"That is a considerably less intimate term. Cousin is more appropriate."

Kirk let some of the fondness he was feeling out through his voice. "I'm honored either way."

Spock nodded solemnly.

Kirk stood beside him again and watched the press adjusting hovercams, talking into communicators, or just leaning on the railing.

"They are going to wait us out, aren't they?"

"It appears so."

"Can you hear what's being said?"

"Indeed. There is a great deal of talk about T'Pau's speech. There are a few requests to release the evidence."

"Without a hearing there is no reason to." Kirk tried not to shudder. "Although my reputation would probably go up."

They stood in silence.

Kirk said, "Oh, by the way, Mr. Spock, I hope you noticed we don't have a disciplinary hearing. As promised."

Spock's voice was dry as he replied, "I did note that."

"We still have a few things to work out," Kirk said. He breathed in, held it, breathed out. "My trust in you shouldn't be so fragile."

"It is I who was out of line, Captain. I regret that deeply."

"We both were. I overreacted."

"Your reaction was logical."

Kirk laughed. "My reaction was purely emotional."

This time Spock turned his back to the crowd and leaned close. "May I inquire, Jim, if your trust in me has returned?"

Kirk considered this at length. Based on T'Pau's words, Spock was asking something more.

"You deserve honesty." Kirk lowered his voice, hesitated. "I understand you did what you needed to do at the time. I understand now, that you were . . . acting on a different kind of logic. And I'm touched that you have that instinct for me. But I don't want to be protected from myself quite that much. Especially without my knowledge."

Spock dropped his gaze and nodded, face stern. "I understand."

Kirk felt like he'd swallowed lead. "Spock. I need more time to let it go completely. It's the shock of it. I rely on you, dammit."

Kirk wanted to reach out a hand, but held back. He shook his head. "If I was, right now, going to place my life in anyone's hands, I'd want them to be yours. I'd do so without hesitation, no matter what was happening. So, I do trust you, one-hundred percent. I know, to the very depths of my soul, that you won't make that mistake again." He sighed. "It depends on what side I approach the question from. My pride is pretty argumentative. And you hit me on several fronts with that revelation, including my pride in knowing what you were capable of."

Expressionless, Spock nodded again and began to turn away.

Kirk balled his hand up and raised it to halt him without grasping him.

"You are my family, Spock"

Spock turned back to him. Eyes questioning. The vulnerability in the depths of them scared Kirk.

Kirk gave in and hooked his arm around Spock's neck for a quick one-armed hug. Spock bent easily with the force of it rather than remain stiff.

Kirk said. "Please don't doubt it. I know that's only words. But it's true."

Beyond the rail they were getting far more attention. Kirk released him, held Spock's upper arms and considered him with affection.

Kirk put on his best patented smirk. "Now that we've given them that, shall we run the gauntlet?"

"If you lead the way, Captain. I will have your back."

"That. Isn't. Of any help in this situation, First Officer."

The hovercams had floated into a row and anticipation filled the faces turned their way.

Kirk set his face and filled his chest. "Beyond that lies my ship. My ship. All mine."

Kirk turned to Spock with a soft smile. "Ours."

* * *

FINI

* * *

A/N: The memory modification incident mentioned is from the episode Requiem for Methuselah.

Working on a sequel. I have this old, ancient even, story idea from high school that I think will fit into the sequel. This makes me inordinately happy. Just have to make it humorous.


End file.
